When we’re stepping into people’s inner heart, we will find that life is more than what’s shown in a superficial level. When we carefully analyze all potential consciousness hidden behind all behaviors, we will find that there are two purposes behind all behaviors — to express love or ask for love.
In any relationship, whatever you or your partner is doing or saying beside your, or how ridiculous the sayings are, the purposes hidden behind you or your partner is to ask for love rather than to give love.
There are only two reasons why you always feel that you’re suffering from pain in a relationship and the two reasons often coexist at the same time: your partners is asking for love from you while you don’t want to give; you’re asking for love from your partner while your partner doesn’t want to give you.
We often ask for love in an intimate relationship. We are eager for love we are born lack of from another person, whether it’s from an intimate relationship, or a common relationship or even relationship between strangers.
Love is a word with broad meaning. To make it concretely, the fact that we need love means that we need care, recognition, respect, concern, acceptance, tolerance and money from others. Even those who claim that they are very independent even need love. They just don’t recognize their need for love verbally. We need love from others not because that others should give us love but because we are lack of love. No one can be so strong enough to not to need love from others. In love, everyone is just like a beggar. People are different for difference in lacking of love degree and difference in the way they seek for love.
Different ways of seeking love have decided people’s different satisfaction degree in love. Different satisfaction degree in love then decides a person’s sense of happiness. People usually seek for love in 5 ways: 1. Emotion; 2. Excellence; 3. Giving; 4. Avoiding; 5. Consistency.
In any relationships, emotion is the most common way to seek for love. To take being angry as an example. “I am angry with you.” means that “I need you!”. As I have no way to say that I need you and I have to be angry to show my need. “I am angry for waiting too long.” actually means that I feel your ignorance on me and I hope that you can give me more attention. “I am angry for your negative answer.” actually means that I hope you will not ignore my opinions and I hope to see your care and respect.
People’s other emotions such as being sad, being despair or aggrieved all work in a similar way. Some people just express their need through emotions because it’s too hard for them to express their need. They hope their partners can realize their emotions and meet them accordingly. They have different emotions to their partners because they need their partners.
People like to dress well just for their need of being recognized. If you just claim that you want to please yourself, then I would suggest you to make up yourself carefully even when you’re reading or doing housework at home. We sometimes will deliberately show good aspects of ourselves while cover those bad sides. We behave in this way for the need of being recognized and accepted by others. There are some illusions in our consciousness:
Will you love me if I become excellence?
Will you love me if I am good, cool and docile?
Will you love me if I strive hard to be the person as you desire?
Will you love me if I make up myself to appeal to you?
So it’s very common for us to ask ourselves some similar questions when we are crossed in love: Is it because I am not good enough that you will leave me? Or what’s the problem with me and is it okay for me to make some corrections.
Thinking in similar way as above is actually a sign of being narcissistic. When we love a person, whether he or she is good or not is just a tiny factor. What’s more important is that how we feel when we’re with this person. Will we feel comfortable or depressed. If you just want to simply show excellence of yourself, then people close to you will feel depressed and restrained. And they may not love you. The fact that others find excellence of yourself and the fact that others like you are two quite different things.
The logic in asking for love through giving is as below:
If I was kind to you, you shall be kind to me;
If I don’t have any regrets to you, you shall initially show your kindness to me;
If you owe something to me, you shall return it back to me in a way as I want.
Many moms just want their children to remember their own bitterness when gave changes to their children. But they may gain the reaction from the children — the money I spend really gives me great depressing feeling and I had better earn as much money as possible to return all back to her. A person who can’t accept the fact that “I am a person with normal need” may give as much as he can and then ask for others to give as much as possible.
Many excellent people look very cold in some social occasions. But when you’re close to them for a certain period of time, they will see some true aspects of them: they’re willing to be close to others but are afraid of being embarrassed also. To avoid that others may find their own desire of getting close to others, they just pretend to be cold. Actually this is a sense of being shamed for initiative.
Some people are often shamed for being initiative and they’re even shamed for passion from others because they are so eager to need others in their own heart. When we are so eager to need someone else, subconsciously we’re putting ourselves in a humble position. But many people can’t accept their own humbleness, so they try to protect themselves with coldness and pride.
Those people should correct their attitude to their own need: it’s not shameful if you need someone, nor shameful at all if you are eager for being close with someone.
The word “consistency” in a relationship means that you can directly express your words when you need someone. In the process you promote a normal relationship to an intimate one, the most important capability is to directly express your needs through languages. You just express out your inner sad feeling and inner desire with language rather than actions. You’re exerting actions when you break something up for being angry. If you express out your angry and need verbally, you’re using language. Violent actions in a relationship will just drive people away while possibility of easing a relationship in conflict will still exist if you can express out all your feelings and needs directly.
To achieve consistency in your words and actions in a relationship, you need strong courage. This courage is that we need to believe in the relationship and believe that your partner is willing to satisfy you. You shall be brave to believe that your partner is going to protect your inner feelings.