Sensate Kissing
While becoming more mindful is something you can do on your own, the experience can be even more powerful if you practice as a couple. The last exercise I'll discuss in this chapter, called Sensate Kissing, is designed to help couples slow down, tap into their senses, and learn more about their partner and themselves.
Although Sensate Kissing is an exercise, that doesn't stop it from being fun and sexy, too. It’s a modified version of a technique called Sensate Focus, which was developed by sex therapists in the early 1970s to help couples relate better to one another physically and emotionally.
The benefits of Sensate Kissing don't require that you have an issue in your relationship that you're trying to fix — for anyone interested in exploring the sensual pleasures of kissing it can be a rewarding experience. The creation of a relaxed, judgment-free atmosphere helps maximize the fun of being together, and whatever spine-tingling pleasures you discover along the way can be added to your make- out repertoire after the exercise is over. Ultimately, when both partners really get into a Sensate Kissing exercise, it becomes an opportunity to create a stronger bond through improved communication and a deeper emotional connection.
During Sensate Kissing a couple makes out, but in a very structured way. Early in the exercise fairly tight restrictions are placed on what a couple can and can't do, but those restrictions are removed one by one as a couple moves through a series of stages that they've worked out ahead of time.
Why bother with restrictions at all? As counter-intuitive as it may seem, the limits that are imposed during a Sensate Kissing exercise can create a sense of freedom. The emphasis is on creating authentic, sensual experiences, and eliminating any pressure to prove ourselves or put on a "show" for our partner. Both partners are encouraged to tune into their senses during the exercise and explore kissing and other forms of touch in playful, creative ways that they may not have experienced before.
The example of a Sensate Kissing exercise that appears below is a good starting point. It's divided into six stages that last 20 minutes each, so that the entire exercise can be completed in a single two hour session. You can follow the example as written or you can adjust the details in any way that seems appropriate to you and your partner. You may want to change the time spent at each stage, adjust what is and isn't allowed, or break the exercise into several make-out sessions.
Whatever ground rules you and your partner decide on, try to stick to them throughout the exercise. Being in such close, intimate proximity to one another you'll probably be tempted to skip ahead, but resist this impulse. If you really use this as an opportunity to develop greater awareness and create new kinds of experiences, it will pay you bigger dividends in the long run.
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