When most men hear the word “vulnerability”, their immediate reaction is to associate it with weakness. Traditionally, men are always raised to withhold their emotions, to not show weakness and to ignore any hint of introspection. Some popular dating advice even encourage men to be aloof, standoffish, judgmental and at times scathing towards women. Men even have a lot of negative assumptions about being more vulnerable and opening up to their own emotions. Maybe some people even are a little skeptical or queasy in writing about vulnerability in men.
You don’t need to worry as I am not going to have you hold hands around a camfire with some wimpy support group and cry about your spirit crystal or share stories about your power animal.
You might need to think of vulnerability in a more broad way. Vulnerability ranges from emotional vulnerability to physical vulnerability and social vulnerability.
To make it more clear, making yourself vulnerable doesn’t just mena being willing to share your fears or insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, introducing yourself to a group of people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to date her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable when you behave in such a way.
Vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power. It’s even courageous. A man who is able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “Screw the repercussions; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” He’s saying he is non-needy and high status.
Most people think of man who’s vulnerable as a man who cowers in the corner and begs others to accept him or not hurt him. This is not vulnerability. It’s a kind of surrender and it’s a kind of weakness.
Think of it this way. There are two men: the first man stands tall and looks straight ahead and looks at people in the eye when he speaks to them. He can naturally say what he thinks and is comfortable if some people disagree with him. When he makes a mistake, he shrugs it off and apologies if necessary. When he sucks at something, he admits it. He’s unafraid to express his emotions even if that means he gets rejected because of them sometimes. He has no problem moving on to people who don’t reject him, but instead like him for who he is. The second man hunches over. His eyes dart around and he is unable to look someone in the eye without getting uncomfortable. He puts on a cool persona that is always aloof. He performs. He avoids saying things that may upset others and sometimes even lies to avoid conflicts. He’s always trying to impress people. When he makes a mistake, he tries to blame others or pretend like it didn’t happen. He hides his emotions and will smile and tell everyone he’s fine even when he’s not. He’s scared to death of rejection. Even when he’s rejected, it sends him reeling, angry and desperate to find a way to win back the affection of the person who doesn’t like him.
Compared those two men, which one of these two men is more powerful? Which one is more vulnerable? Which one is more comfortable with himself? Which one do you think women would be attracted to.
From an evolutionary perspective, vulnerability makes perfect sense as an indicator to women of male status and fitness. If there’s a tribe of 20 men, all hunter-gatherers, all men with more or less equal possessions.
Some of the men in the tribe are constantly reactive to what the other men tell them. They don’t admit faults. They change their behavior and what they say to win the approval of the other men. When something doesn’t go their way, they look to blame someone else. What would this say about their status in their tribe? If they’re basing all of their behavior on the approval of the other men and are constantly covering up their weaknesses, it says that they’re low status, not trustworthy, unconfident, and probably not going to be a dependable father.
Imagine other men in the same tribe who are unfazed by the neediness or temper tantrums of the other men around them. They focus purely on the task at hand and don’t change their behavior based on what others think of them. When challenged, they stand up for themselves, but when they’re wrong, they also admit their fault since they see no reason to hid their weakness. They have a sense of honor. They don’t react to any of the other men around them; rather, the other men react to them.
This behavior impries high status, a man who is dependable, comfortable in his strengths and weaknesses, a man who can be counted on and who is likely to rise through the ranks and provide for his offspring. He’s likely to succeed and likely to be a dependable father.
It’s likely that women have been naturally selected to choose high-status men based on their non-neediness first, and then their looks and accomplishments second, since looks and accomplishments tend to be reflections of non-needy behavior, not the other way around. This non-needy behavior indicates a man who is comfortable with vulnerability, who isn’t afraid to express who he is to the world. This plays out in multiple areanas — in the life decisions he makes, the extent of his courage and the way he communicates to others.
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