Fear is normal. Saying you want to get rid of all of your fear is like saying you want to get rid of all anger, or all sadness. This sounds like a noble goal, but research shows we instead suppress or avoid the emotions, leaving us less capable of dealing with them the next time they arise. Instead, what I recommend is to learn to adapt our negative emotions into positive behavior.
For instance, people with anger issues are encouraged to channel their anger through productive means — exercising, working, writing letters displaying their feelings, etc. To avoid or ignore the anger will only bring it back worse next time.
Concept to be applied on overcoming anxiety in dating women
The same concept can be applied to your fear and anxiety around women. The other problem with interpreting the anxiety around women as something that must be removed is that this often only serves to amplify it. Neurobiology has shown us that attempting to avoid or shut out something we're afraid of only serves to make that fear stronger.
For instance, if you’ve ever played a sport and were in a situation where you had to hit one shot to win the game, you know that thinking about the pressure and the situation and trying to be relaxed about it only makes you more nervous and anxious.
The actual way to deal with it is to accept it, embrace it, and harness it to make your performance better.
In Buddhism, there’s a saying, “what you resist will persist.” And it’s true in this case as well.
The proper way to handle your fear and your anxiety is to accept it, recognize that it’s normal and a part of who you are, and to not even try to hide it from the woman you're meeting.
Think back something you’re very very good at. Maybe you're really great at some part of your job at work. Or maybe you used to be awesome at tennis or chess back in school. Maybe you’re a great public speaker.
All of those activities, when you were called on to put yourself on the line (major tennis match, big presentation, major meeting to lead), you probably got nervous beforehand. But did that nervousness make you crumble or did it invigorate you?
People perform better activities under a certain amount of anxiety
Psychological research actually shows that people perform better activities under a certain amount of anxiety. In fact, what matters isn’t the aniety itself, but the person’s confidence in their own ability to perform whatever action they’re anxious about.
So it’s less about the anxiety and more about how competent you feel you are. The less competent you feel, the more the anxiety will hinder you, the more confident you are in your ability, the more the anxiety will help you.
This is actually where a lot of dating advice and pick up thoery actually hurts you. They explain these complicated models and theories, give you tons of material to memorize and practice, and present picking up women as some complicated task skin to rocket science that only works once you’ve tried and failed 1000 times. That’s going to scare the shit out of any guy with little to no experience.
The opposite is true. Attracting women is not complicated. And if you can have a conversation with a friend or family member, then you already possess the only “skill-set” required in attracting a woman. There’s nothing to learn, only things to do. And the fear doesn’t go away, you learn to hone it to help you.
What’s important is not the level of anxiety or fear, but your competence at whatever you’re afraid doing.
Suggestions for guys having little or no experience with women
So now you’re probably saying, “well, that’s nice, you’re that confident because you’ve been with so many women, but what about a guy who has little to no experience with women?”
Glad you asked.
When it came to dealing with fear and rejection, all dating coaches basically took the approach of “throw him into the deep end and hope he learns to swim.”
If you were afaird to approch random women, they would give you crazy lines or push you into intimidating and difficult social situations, hoping to “scare you straight.”
The idea was if they could put you in the worst possible situations, then the simple, regular social situations would stop being intimidating.
If that’s it and they never exercise again, then they’re going to revert back to their old, out-of-shape selves.
The same is true is our fears.
The way to attack anxieties is through incremental, consistent exposure. Not single, extreme exposure.
Find something easy, but repeat it regularly for a while, until it doesn’t feel difficult anymore.
Then the next week, you go out and ask women what time it is followed by, “How is your day going?”
And each day, you slowly make it harder and more intensive.
Slowly work up until you’re able to approach women by telling them you think they’re attractive and asking them on a date. You’ll be surprised how quickly you can get comfortable doing this.
In fact, if you’re like most guys and stick with it, then you’ll begin to get hooked to the adrenaline rush and actually enjoy the butterflies you get when you approch a new woman.
Eventually, you’ll be able to approach any woman in any circumstance and express your interest in he without fear, without worrying about what to say or what line to use.
And you can apply this to all sorts of situations: getting physical with women, emailing women online, calling phone numbers, sexual humor, conversations with women, etc.
It’s just a matter of knowing how to structure your exposure.
Afraid to kiss girls on a date? Challenge yourself first to hold their hand. Once you’ve done that a few times, then challenge yourself to put your arm around them and leave it there. Once you’ve done that a few tiems, then challenge yourself to kiss them on the cheek. And finally, challenge yourself to go for the kiss itself.
All of these goals can be done with the same girl, and even on the same date. But the important part is to stair-up your approach rather than expecting yourself to immediately be banging girls by the dozen after a week.
Get creative. Other sticking points this method can be applied to:
-stalling out in conversation. Being comfortable talking about yourself.
-Calling girls and asking them out on dates.
-Going for sex once you’ve been out on a date with a girl.
- Flirting and teasing women.
-Showing direct interest. Stating that you’re attracted to them.
Really all it takes is a focused and concerted effort on your part without actually expecting yourself to go from 0 to 100 in one night.
Instead, you’ll slowly but surely gain little successes repeatedly, not only building your competence and confidence but also making the whole process a lot more enjoyable, therefore helping you get over your anxiety.
And the great thing about this method is that as you get accustomed to your anxiety and become more confident in your ability, you’ll be more motivated to meet and date even more women, increasing your confidence and competence further, and easing your anxiety that much more.
There’s momentum to it, which is absolutely integral to developing a healthy and successful love life.
The last thing is that you should only focus on one thing at a time. “Focus on” here means to only quantify one aspect of your interactions at a time.
So if you want to be less nervous approaching women, don’t bother yourself worrying about how to get phone numbers or when to go for the kiss or what texts you should be writing. Just focus on approaching.
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