“I get really tuned on by the small things in our relationship- how he hugs me in the morning, how he smiles at me when we're holding hands, and even how he puts away my laundry when I don't ask him to. I don't need to hear him say ‘I love you’ as much as I just need him to show it. ”-Rachel, 41
There’s that saying: big doors swing on small hinges.
In intimate relationships, very often the small things can have the biggest emotional impact. You know how your partner seems to remember every intimate detail about you and your history together as a couple? There's a reason why she seems to have that super power.
Numerous studies have shown that, in general, male brains tend to have an easier tirne remembering facts, and figures, while women have an easier time remembering things that are tied to personal relationships (birthdays, anniversaries, first dates, things that you said, things that she said, where you were when certain milestones happened during your relationship, etc.).
Has your partner ever told you that you said something, word for word, a few weeks or a few months after the fact? There is an extremely high probability that she has a better memory of the situation than you do.
And in terms of subtlety...
Evolutionary biologists estimate that women are better at picking up on subtleties for a reason. One of my favorite hypotheses is that women (who, for the past several thousand years, have been the primary nurturers of their young) need to be able to read the subtle expressions of their children's moods before they can even speak. Because of this awareness, women pick up on the small things. She appreciates the little gestures that demonstrate your affection.
But the right Subtle Gesture lets her Know that she is loved. And the more loved she feels, the more love she’ll pour on you.
Men often think that big, expensive dates or lavish gifts are the way to their woman’s heart. And while a large-scale gift can have a fantastic return on investment if emotional connection is already established and thriving, they often miss their mark. When it comes to gestures, lots of little ones are better than the occasional grand, sweeping gesture.
1.Coming up with a Subtle Gesture
A Subtle Gesture takes listening. So listen to your partnerfor the next week. Make it a habit to
hear what your partner is talking about and think about some of the following questions while you do so:
What consistent themes does she bring up?
Where might she need some encouragement or support?
What has been stressing her out lately?
What has she mentioned needing help with?
What frustrations has she brought up a few tirnes lately?
Make a list of the issues she's been dealing with over the past while and then brainstorm ideas about how you could alleviate stress in her life.
Her dog keeps scratching at the door? Build her a doggy door.
She wishes she could see her siblings more often? Buy a gift card to her favorite restaurant and phone up her siblings to make it happen.
She's been feeling tense lately because of her job stress? Take up a massage course in your free time and give her a surprise rubdown.
Does she seem to enjoy the day-to-day maintenance of the house but resents having to do the household cleaning like vacuuming and dusting? Surprise her by hiring a cleaning service once a month to do all of the heavy duty cleaning for her.
Has she been dropping hints about wanting an adventure? Plan a short weekend getaway for the two of you and tell her in advance so that she can start packing for it.
2.Following through with the Subtle Gesture
Though you'll experience some benefit from the Subtle Gesture (the good feeling of making your partner happy), you must not do any of these nice things for her with the expectation that you will be rewarded for it in any way. Even if you are thinking in the back of your
mind, "I'm totally going to get for doing this for her," your ulterior motives will be subcommunicated in your actions. This will take away from the power and authenticity of the Subtle Gesture.
Think of what she brings to your life. It’s often the details that really affect you the most. Like when she comes up behind you while you're on the computer and runs her fingers through your hair; how she kisses you softly on your face in the morning; the way her eyes sparkle when she looks at you lovingly from across the table. Notice how she does’t expect anything in return and understand how powerful this makes her actions. If, after each time she ran her fingers through your halt, she immediately asked you to do some chores around the house, you would begin to mistrust her actions. Then, when her fingers met your hair, you would pull away because you would be conditioned to think of this as her way of winning you over to get the chores done. Her actions are more powerful and well received when she doesn’t expect anything in return and your Subtle Gesture must be demonstrated in the same selfless manner.
Women have a sixth sense when it comes to being aware of others' intentions (it's called intuition), and she will be able to easily recognize if your intentions are’t in the right place. If she believes that you are doing something nice just to get something in return, then the gesture will fall flat.
And don’t get too wrapped up in the process of brainstorming your Subtle Gestures. It can be something as small as pulling out her chair more often, or brushing her hair off of her face.
Just remember: give selflessly! Give with the sole intention of trying to improve your partner’s life in the most valuable way possible and your relationship will thrive as a result.
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