"Your dating purpose is your dating purpose - state clearly what you want to everyone who will listen and soon what you're looking for will be right on front of you.”-Honoree Corder
As I mentioned, it wasn't until after I was really hurt several times that my inner strategist kicked in, and I thought that there just had to be a better way. I started reading books by experts in the areas of love, relationships, sex, and marriage. While they all had their own take on the general topic of love, they were in agreement in a few fundamental truths. These truths included the concept that clarity is power, and if you don't know what you want, you might end up having to want what you get.
That possibility didn't sound good to me; in fact, it sounded like a repeat of past relationships. I decided to take their advice to think about who I truly am, what I truly wanted, the example wanted to set for my daughter, the kind of relationship I'd want to have if I wasn't protecting myself from hurt, what my daughter needed in a “bonus dad” and what she would want, too! I had to do a lot of thinking.
I came to the conclusion that I probably hadn't fully taken my therapist’s advice and spent enough time with just me in order to dot my i’s and cross my t's as she had suggested,ahem,several years before. I then made the decision to stop dating and work on myself, be fully present for my daughter, and grow my businesses.
This hiatus lasted for over three years. I turned down dates, dating, coffees, lunches, and anything else that resembled a man showing interest. It was great! No, I’m not being sarcastic. Once I removed the pressure, I was able to embrace myself, my daughter, and my career because I didn't constantly have the “I’ve gotta find a man” agenda underneath everything I did. It seemed like a really long time, but in retrospect, it was worth the time and the effort, because now I’m truly married to my Mr. Wonderful He's not perfect, just as I'm not perfect, but he's perfect for me, and being with him is truly, wonderful.
Fast-forward to “the day I decided I was ready”,and based on what I had heard and read, I knew I needed to get clear on what I truly wanted.
When I first came upon that idea and how to use my “purpose for dating” for finding my perfect partner, I was intrigued. When I thought about what I really wanted, without regard for what others might want for me, and what was possible for me (or what I thought would be “acceptable”) this is what I came up with:
“I want a mutually-beneficial monogamous relationship with my best friend. He needs to be up to big things because I'm up to big things, and we will cheer each other on, share victories, challenges, and love. We can get married, or not, have children, or not. He must be a great ''bonus dad to my daughter, and I will be an amazing wife or partner for him.”
I realized that part of my problem in the past had been wanting things my suitors, boyftiends, and dates didn’t Want. It’s okay to want to have a “Tuesday night guy,” or not want a relationship, but wanting someone to hang out with on a regular basis, that was not what I truly wanted. I also didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who felt it was perfectly fine to sleep around. For some people, sex without commitment works. For me, it didn’t and doesn’t.
Sharing my “purpose for dating” with someone right at the beginning and before I got attached made sense to me. I know we're programmed not to speak about what we really want, at least not right away. We're programmed to be as low-maintenance as possible—want what we want but not say it to him, especially if he's “the one.”
The time to share your purpose for dating is before you go on your first date.
Before you close this book for good, let me explain.
Would you agree that in the past you may have held your “desire cards” close to the vest because you were attracted to, wanted a relationship with, and desired a particular man to be the other half of that relationship? And you found out later, after you were attached or even in love, that you didn’t truly want the same things, have the same values, or even the same beliefs?
Wouldn’t you rather have known this info before you got attached? Long before you fell in love and had your heart broken?
If you’ve ever said, “How I wish I hadn’t gone on that first date/taken that phone call/married that guy,” just know that some or all of those scenarios could have been avoided if you had spoken your truth right up front.
Because we’re wired to believe in the scatcity of “the one,” we want to make things work. We want to please and appease others, and sometimes we keep our mouths shut when we just simply shouldn’t! The sooner you sort, the sooner you find not 'the one’ but the one who’s a perfect fit for you, your Mr. Wonderful.
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