Your role in this process is to speak your truth (state your dating purpose), sort, and continue sorting until you’ve found the person you’re going to date, live with, marry, have children with, all of the above, or none of the above.
Oh yes, and you probably want to enjoy the process. Therefore, decide right now that you’re going to begin this process when, and only when, you can commit to yourself to enjoying the dating process and not before.
I make it sound so easy, right? Actually it’s simple, but I recognize it’s not necessarily easy because of the way we are wired and because of the way we're used to doing things.
Here’s your new dating process:
1.State your purpose for dating all the time.
2.Have fun and enjoy the process.
3.Have no expectations.
4 Don’t be attached to the outcome.
State Your Purpose for Dating All the Time
We’ve covered number one: state your purpose for dating, all the time. Tell everyone within the sound of your voice what exactly you're looking to find. They may have a brother, son, nephew, cousin, coworker, or neighbor who sounds like a good fit. You just never know where your Mr. Wonderful is going to come from. My husband and I met through a mutual friend. His attorney is married to one of my girlfriends. We met at a party and became fast friends. Once she realized I was single and asked what was looking for, I told her. I told lots of other people, too, but she was the one who made the mental connection and the introduction.
If you're so inclined, add yourself to Match.com, eHarmony, and JDate. These services automatically put you in front of men who are actually really looking, and they put right on their profile what they are looking to find. You can state exactly what you’re looking for, and the right man will think that's really great and want to connect with you.
Remember this: you must ask to get. All of the wishing and hoping in the world in the comfort of your own home just won't get you the love you want. Watching Grey's Anatomy will keep you current on the show, but it doesn't put you in front of potential suitors. You've got to get busy to get love.
Have Fun and Enjoy the Process
What’s the point if you don't have fun and enjoy the process? When all of your energy is wrapped up in "finding” you won’t be "enjoying."
I have found, in the process of dating, and even now (still) in the process of building my businesses that staying in a state of curiosity is your best bet for enjoying the process. When I meet new folks, I’m curious about what makes them tick, what they're passionate and excited about, and why they think they're on this planet. Not everyone is a good fit as a friend or client, but everyone has a story and I want to know it. Make discovering the stories of the people you're dating part of your dating process. Even if the two of you are not a good fit, you could find some really cool, interesting people who might turn out to be great friends.
Inject fun into the dating that you do! Go to new restaurants, indulge in new foods, try miniature golfing, go hiking, learn how to SUP (stand-up paddle), learn a new language, train for a triathlon. All of the activities put you in front of people, many of them new people.
My suggestion is to make a list of restaurants where you want to eat, activities you want to try, and places you want to visit. Then, start doing. Work your way down your list, all the while adding new activities. You will even have an alternate use for this list in the dating process (stay tuned).
I had a blast joining new groups, making new friends, and learning about new things during my single years. An added bonus is that you can make friends with as many people of both sexes as you want. I have many male friends, all of whom I made when I was single. Relationships with the opposite-sex are generally not encouraged when you’re in a relationship, but if you make them now, the added bonus is not just those relationships, but also the fact that those relationships become part of the package that is you.
Have No Expectations
“Is he the ond?!" “Is HE the one?!” Rinse. Repeat.
I have heard a lot of women asking themselves this question very early, even before the first date when they’ve connected to a 'live one.”
When you have high expectations that are placed on one potential mate, the chances of those expectations being met are indeed slim. He could be "the one" (one of many), but chances are he’ll be another opportunity to refine your desires, get better at dating, have a great time, and meet a cool, new person.
Or, he could be your Mr. Wonderful. And if he could be, and you’re in a state of “1S-HE-THE-ONE” panic mode, you’ll most likely scare him off. I had more than one guy talk about marriage or the benefits of his job on our first date. Seriously? Too soon everyone!
What if you could just go on a date and the only expectation you have is that you're going to have a conversation (maybe even a good one) and a nice meal? Wouldn't that take the frenetic energy out of the date? The energy that holds expectation and hope and even a little bit of crazy? Wouldn't that be nice? Yes, yes it would. Nod and smile, so I know you’re with me, okay?
Dating is supposed to be fun. Repeat after me: Dating is fun.
Meeting someone new is going to be fun. Stating your purpose for dating is going to be fun. Eating out is going to be fun. Having some grown-up, non-children time is going to be fun. The evening out was a blast if, at the end of it, you actually want to go on another date!
Do yourself and your sanity a favor and detach yourself from expectations. Before you go on each date, remind yourself that in order to have fun the best expectation is no expectation. That way, you will be pleasantly surprised when, eventually, something great does happen, and you meet your Mr. Wonderful.
Don’t Be Attached to the Outcome
My friend, Beth, who introduced me to my husband, tried to get us together for months. I was very happily single, working on my businesses, and raising my daughter. I was so unattached to the outcome, that I (incorrectly) predicted the outcome of our first date. I told her to have no expectations because when I “didn’t fall in love and marry him" I didn’t want her to be upset.
I was not into dating, so much so that I went on a date almost against my will. I was completely unattached. I'm sure you've heard the saying, “When you least expect it, expect it" That was me. I didn’t expect it, even though I was clear on my purpose for dating; therefore, in a way, I was expecting it, and that's when it happened.
It's up to you to speak your purpose for dating, go on dates, have a great time (even if he's not having a great time with you), and go on your merry way. If he calls, great. If you end up together forever, terrific! If you don't, just keep on keepin’ on.
Your outcome is your purpose for dating: that's the “Big Outcome” you want to have happen at the right time in the future. In the meantime, you’re working, caring for your kids, making new friends, and creating an incredible future. Right? Right!
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