You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. (Chinese proverb)
This passage introduces several tips on how to heal from suffering loss.
1. Just keep breathing
Lauren told me that after Bob died, she couldn’t imagine getting through the rest of her life without him. She told herself she just needed to get through the next year, which would be the hardest one, but that was too overwhelming. Little by little, she kept reducing the length of time she needed to get through in order to make it. A month was daunting; even a week or a day felt like too much. Finally, she realized that all she had to do at any given moment was just keep breathing and eventually she would make it through. “Just keep breathing” became her motto.
I remember a time when I experienced a major loss and I kept saying, “Just get up and put one foot in front of the other.” I felt I needed to just keep moving so I didn’t sink into the despair I felt.
2. Don’t Make Any Big Decisions or Changes for a Year
After Bod died, Lauren wanted to run away. Bob had spent two years lovingly renovating their home, and everywhere Lauren looked, she saw evidence of Bob. In fact, she had often referred to their house as Bob’s love letter to her. She feared that the house would become more of a prison than a home. Lauren had also been thinking about changing jobs during the previous year. She found herself thinking about quitting her job and moving to a new city. Perhaps it was time to start over.
3. Give Yourself a Break
Many of us tend to put other people’s interests ahead of our own. Lauren shared that when she suffered the loss of her husband she realized it was very important for her to cut herself more slack than usuall and to pamper herself. She decided to get a massage every week and be good to herself in general. If she didn’t feel like cleaning the house on a Saturday or bringing a covered dish to the church potluck supper, she didn’t do it. She tried not to criticize herself for not being a superwoman. She treated herself to cut flowers and manicures. Giving herself permission to go easy on herself helped her get through those difficult first few months.
4. Mind Your Health
Researchers have learned that dealing with the death of a loved one requires the same amount of energy as working a full-time job. Which means if you’re working, then you’re working two full-time jobs! Other big losses are nearly as debilitating. It’s easy to get into habits that are hard on your health, such as eating poorly, going to bed late, even neglecting personal hygiene like brushing your teeth. Do your best to get rest; take naps. Try to take care of your health... Getting sick will only compound your challenges.
5. Find Someone You Can Talk To
Whether you rely on friends who are there for you over the long haul or join a support group, it’s vital to make sure that you don’t try to “through it out” by yourself. You’ll know soon enough whom you can rely on. No matter what, it’s very improtant to be able to talk freely with others who understand the magnitude of your loss.
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