Sex is obviously the start of parenthood, but for many couples, parenthood is often the end of sex. How can you keep your sex life fresh when kids are hanging off of you, you’re exhausted, and you need some time to yourself? For those of us with kids at home, parenting can be one of the biggest roadblocks. Today’s challenge is designed for those with children of any age at home. If you don't have kids at home, you can skip ahead. But if your parenting days are still ahead of you, read on so that you can talk now and plan now about how you would like to handle some of these challenges on sex after parenthood. Here 5 top tips on sex after parenthood are given.
Prioritize Marriage
When I speak at women’s conferences I often ask the wamen, are you a better wife or a better mom? Around 80% of the room believes that they are better moms. It makes sense. These little beings need us so much, and we love them so much, that children quickly snatch the vast majority of our energy. Our husbands get the leftovers. Men, too, can pour so much into their kids, too, that there’s little left for their wives.
Once you have children, though, your marriage is now even more important, not less. Other people are counting on you two being rock solid together. You are the foundation for their little lives. So you owe it to each other and to your children to put the marriage before the kids.
You can probably all think of couples who prioritized the kids and ignored the marriage relationship. How did that turn out for them? Don’t do that. Your children do not need all of your energy all the time. You need to be replenished, and a great way to do that is to build a great marriage.
Keep the Bedroom Safe
If you're going to build a great marriage, you need a safe place in the house when you can be alone, just the two of you.
When my youngest daughter was six, my husband and I were once both enjoying a rather good time in bed when we heard that familiar pitter-patter down the hall. We froze, pulled up then and we were grateful when she jiggled the doorknob and realized it was locked. “Okay!" she yelled, and we heard her go back down the hall. Relieved, we resumed, until about three minutes later the door burst open and the flurry of sheets began again. It turns out that six is old enough to know how to pick a lock, but not old enough to know that you don’t want to be picking that lock.
Keep a good lock on your bedroom door!
The problems, however, do not end when the children get older. Life with teenagers is often even more trying, because teens tend to stay up much later than you do. And they know what's going on. One friend shared her teen story with me. She and her husband had been enjoying a good time, and when it was over they were lying there talking. But their daughter's music was so loud they couldn't hear each other. He got out of bed, opened the door, and yelled, “ hey, how many times do I have to tell you to turn that music down?” She yelled back, "Dad, it's this loud for a reason!”
As much as we may be embarrassed by our kids knowing what we're doing, its actually modeling a healthy relationship. And it gives them a sense of stability.
We’ve also encouraged our own girls to be gone the same night of the week to give ourselves a “date night” at home. They both work part-time jobs with similar shifts, and they both go to youth group together.
Don’t stop your sex life because you’re embarrassed of what the kids may hear. Learn to be silent if you need to. Turn the radio on to muffle the noise if you need to. But most of all, remember that your marriage comes first, and children will not be scarred by learning that their parents are still hot for each other.
Keep the Bedroom Kid-Free
If you have smaller children, I'd also recommend keeping the bedroom kid-free. When babies are first born, pediatricians recommend sleeping them in a bassinet or a crib beside your bed. But as they grow, I believe that it's best to move children into their own bedrooms, certainly by six months of age. Children can learn to sleep through the night at that age, and learning to self-soothe is an important skill that actually gives them security. I know that not all parents agree on this, and many families swear by the "co-sleeping" arrangement where babies and toddlers pile in the bed with the parents. If that is what you both agree is best, that is your prerogative.
I would like, however, to offer a few warnings. First, quite often one spouse is committed to this arrangement while the other is not. That’s not fair. If one spouse really wants the bedroom for the couple, that desire matters.
The second caveat is that it's very difficult to have an active, healthy sex life when children are in the bed. Some moms have said to me in frustration, '"Sheila, you don't need to have sex in the bedroom! We just make it a point of having great sex elsewhere in the house!” That's wonderful. But here's the thing: often couples start making love when they didn’t plan on it beforehand because they’re lying in bed just talking, and things happen. If you have kids in the bed, that easy, low-key spontaneity is gone. Anytime you put up a barrier for something, you make it less likely to occur.
This doesn't mean that you can't have a great sex life if your kids sleep with you. it simply means that you will never has as good a sex life as you could have if your kids were out of the bed. Please, think carefully about your marriage before you decide to let the children sleep with you with no end in sight. And if you're at the point where you'd like to get them out of the bed, but you don't know how, buy some books on how to help children develop good sleep habits. There are some wonderful ones available, and the techniques do work!
Set Up 'Couple Time" Evenings—Or Mornings
Carving out time as parents when you can just be a couple is so vital. Schedule this in regularly, it's easier to make sure it happens. When the kids know to expect it, it’s not a big deal.
So set up once a week “couple evenings” where the children eat a hurried dinner and then play in their rooms, when you can have a more relaxed dinner, just the two of you. Or set up a "couple morning” on Saturday mornings, when the kids can watch as much TV as they want for a few hours so that you can stay with each other. Find time that is yours, when the kids know to expect it.
Comment