In making love, dishonesty destroys trust, allows boredom, and creates confusion and hostility. It may take the form of the dishonest husband who lacks skills but can't admit to himself he is a nonromantic sexual illiterate. He may think, She says sex isn't very fun, but she reaches a climax most of the time. A wife may play manipulative sexual games. Instead of confronting issues, she angrily (in passive aggressive fashion) vows to herself, 'If he forgets our anniversary again, he won't get any sex for six months.” Both may also be unaware of their sexual needs and feelings—a more subtle form of dishonesty. It is not easy to be self-aware and truly transparent with our needs and feelings. It takes a real maturity to achieve this level of “naked and unashamed”.
Many couples find it uncomfortable to initiate sexual conversations and openly discuss individual needs and desires. The wife may be upset because her husband gets defensive or pouts if she openly refuses sex or makes a small suggestion. The husband may be angry because his wife turns him down after he enacts the romantic rituals like taking a quick shower or rubbing her back. These are great times for clearing the air, honest discussion, and confrontation to openly express feelings and needs (see Chapter 8).
God's guidelines are very explicit for relationships. He tells us to speak "the truth in love" and put away lying (Eph. 4:15,25 NKJV). But even in love, the truth is sometimes tough to take, and even little sexual communications during love-making—"That doesn't feel good tonight or ,Please rub harder"—are occasionally difficult to express and can create defensiveness. Great sex is based on mature lovers who can be honest with themselves and their mates. They are self-aware and can assertively communicate.
Before leaving the character trait of honesty, let's acknowledge the ultimate dishonest kiss of death to a great sex life: the extramarital affair. Nothing can sabotage trust and the special quality of a love life more thoroughly than adultery. Sneaking, keeping secrets, broken promises, and divided loyalties rob a couple of sexual celebration in their marriage. An affair is a powerful negative illustration of the importance of honesty for sexual love to flourish.
Time Out: Do you have any dishonest sexual games you need to eliminate from your sex life? Do you sulk or pout rather than talk through your needs? Have you asked your mate what he or she needs? Do you avoid becoming passionate because you are afraid to let go of control, but you rationalise it by saying your partner is too pushy? Do you fear confrontation and settle for mediocrity? Do you fake orgasms? Do you neglect to share your feelings? When your needs are satisfied do you know this and feel fulfilled?
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