An interesting question I ask on marriage retreats is: “You’ve been given five thousand dollars to improve your sex life. How will you use it?” So often those with children will tell of increased baby-sitting, flying parents in for weeks at a time, and vacationing all alone. This area demands practicality and creativity for lovemaking to survive. If family surrogate family is around, negotiate regular time if possible. Take another teen or two to the beach so your kids have companionship and you can relax. Here this passage introduces several common sense suggestions on lovemaking in your children years.
Accept that life is forever altered. Many things that you once took for granted may now be much more difficult to have in your life. One of these is time alone—time to pray, take a walk, and regain your perspective; time to read; even time to go to the bathroom. Your children will often be with you, and it can become quite a task to plan your errands and grocery shopping around a nursing schedule, naps, and potty breaks. Then preteens and teens become constant disruptions with their active coming and going. But the difficulties and frustrations are good things. They are what life is really made of. They cause our spiritual weaknesses to surface and challenge us to grow and mature in love. Remember that this is only for a season of life. One day you will reap the fruit of having been there to mold their frustration into patience or their unkind response into an apology. Once your children are grown you will never again have the same impact you have on them in this stage.
If you are trying to live as though you don’t have any children, you will completely miss this season of life. Adjust your expectations. Change your pace to match that of your children and get rid of the things that keep you from doing so. Look for new and simpler ways to fill your soul—ways that take less time and don't require leaving hame so much. Pray for perspective and learn to yield rather than fighting to hold on to your old lifestyle. God will bless you with much richer one.
Creatively adapt to the ages of your children. An infant, a five-year-old who can crawl out of bed, and a teenager will make different demands. The infant and the teen will create sleep deprivation. You won't outlast the teen, so go to bed with the family rules of not leaving the house and lights off at a certain time. Summers create real challenges. Adolescents can respect locked bedroom doors and understand Mom and Dad are lovers, as parents discreetly create space for date nights and time alone together. Remember some of your best talks with your teen may be between 11:30 P.M. and 2:00 A.M. Keep flexibly adapting the rules and guiding that growth into maturity—always realizing that your marital companionship is the foundation for your children feeling secure. Nurture and protect your irreplaceable marriage.
Budget the money. Everything from diapers to car seats to food to colleges drains your finances. It is important to find good deals, pinch a penny, and to swap child care. My friend Karen sends her preteens to a friend’s house for a week dur-ing the summer and keeps their three boys for a week in exchange. This is basically two weeks of camp for the boys. Sometimes swapping child care is even more important during the infant years. Romantic dinners at home may allow you to save up for an overnighter every once in a while. Sending those teens to the movies or camp can be a wise investment.
Plan for regular times together. Couples who don't make time alone will have difficulty staying emotionally intimate. This does not mean a couple needs to go out on the town, eat at a restaurant, or spend the night at a nice hotel. Although these are wonderful events, for most couples in this season of life it is not practical or affordable most of the time. Nursing mothers during the first year have a difficult time being away from the baby for more than six hours due to painful engorgement that develops. Expressing milk every four hours doesn't work for every mom—and it's not exactly a sexual turn-on. Plan time together in the every-day routine; early morning breakfasts, an early shower together, nighttime tea before bed, even lunch together in the middle of the day if your schedules allow it.
When you do have a night out alone, avoid spending this valuable time watching TV or renting a movie—these allow no time for communication and emotional intimacy. Plan weekend mini-vacations, or full vacations with another family with children the same age. This allows for on-site swapping of baby-sitting so each couple can take private walks or have dinner out. (Remember that you will likely be so tired that the first hours or day of the alone time will need to be regrouping and rest time before the sexual fun and intimate connecting begin. )
Maximize those quickies. In the children years of fighting for time and privacy, however, this may be a real staple of your love life. Just be creative with the quickies and include some cuddling with the climaxes.
Utilize technology. Thank God for cell phones and the ease of keeping in touch with teenage baby-sitters. Monitors help in allowing comfortable times on the deck or in the family room, with children tucked safely away in their beds. Portable cribs and a variety of easy-to-use baby products save time and create mobility and ease for childcare. Time and support are key ingredients for augmenting lovemaking in the children years.
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