Sexual desire can also get blocked and dumped on by our religious and family values, societal myths, and factors out of our control. These various “environmental hazards” must be comprehended, disputed, and healed.
Expectations and myths. Some women expect sex to be a lot more romantic and less animalistic (physical) than it turns out to be. They may wish that perspiration, secretions, and odors were not associated with being aroused. They may be disappointed that their husbands aren’t the knights they appeared to be in dating days. The husbands may not be very playful or they may be rough, insensitive to their wives’ needs for romance and ambiance.
Many men are disappointed and angry that their wives, sexual interest decreases after the initial courting. Some men are surprised to discover that they are uncomfortable with their wives’ sexuality after a baby arrives. Being a mother and being sexy seem to be two opposing concepts. Psychologically, when this sabotaging attitude is pushed to the extreme, it is called the Madonna-prostitute complex: moms adore their babies, but wanton women long for sex. This and other expectations are obviously crippling. Search out these false beliefs and work to erase them from your mental tapes.
Parental models. Your parents teach you about sex and relationships. They model the ability (or inability) to be affectionate and affirming, openly and subtly imparting values to you about sex and trust and self-esteem. Your relationship with your primary caretakers in growing up has an ongoing impact on your current sexual relationship.
Those parents who set poor boundaries and engaged in affairs or promiscuous liasons destructively influenced your sexual development and present desire. Someone may also grow up thinking something is wrong with sex because discussion of the subject was avoided in the home. Someone else may have trouble trusting others because the relationships in his or her family were emotionally unsafe and caused a fear of intimacy.
Life stressors. This can be a long list that can vary according to the stage of marriage. Early marital adjustments and conflict with roles are stressful. Children bring physical and emotional work as well as joys. Aging brings special challenges, and illnesses, injuries, and medications take their tolls. Caring for the younger generation and the older generation at the same time can be overwhelming. Each life stage may bring anxiety and fear as well as fatigue and relational conflict.
Pregnancy. Pregnancy causes massive shifts in hormones and structural changes in a woman's body. Both men and women can be broadsided by unexpected and unpredictable feelings and attitudes about becoming parents, the impending changes in the marital relationship, and the wife’s changing body shape. While some men find a pregnant woman sexy, others are repulsed. Most women already are challenged in the area of body image, but some women struggle excessively with feelings of being “ugly” or “fats” and fears regarding their husbands’ reactions to their pregnant bodies.
Topics related to pregnancy can decrease desire also. Some husbands have to work through seeing the birth of a child and separate the birth canal and bleeding from the vagina and lovemaking. Couples must also examine how confident they are in their birth control. After permanent measures, it is fascinating how some couples describe an increase in desire and frequency. More complex are couples who have experienced miscarriage. Often these couples desire children but also fear pregnancy will lead to another painful miscarriage. The resulting internal struggle can decrease sexual desire.
Infertility and medical problems. Struggling to get pregnant and then perhaps experiencing a difficult pregnancy can throw buckets of cold water on your sex life. Unless you have been through infertility, it is impossible to imagine how consuming the process can be. Christian faith can help you see hope and comfort in the midst of trials and tribulations, but the physical exams and sex by the calendar and on demand take a definite toll on your lovemaking.
It is important to remember that most illnesses, espe-cially chronic illness, take a direct or indirect toll on sexual desire also. Pain and pain medications can decrease libido and frequency as well.
Religious and societal prohibitions. Sex is a gift from God, but you couldn't prove it by one young woman raised in a Christian home. Sex was never talked about and was treated with such hesitation and avoidance that she was afraid of it. She confessed that if bananas had been given the same treatment, she would never allow a banana in her home today. She was ashamed of her desires in high school, and she tried to repress what she considered lust or sinful feel-ings. She never was helped to work through effective values; she was simply told to remain a virgin. Later she came to re-alize that her understanding of sexual sin was not based on Scripture. In the meantime, she had tuned out most sexual cues and was afraid of her sexual sensations. Just because shegot married did not mean she could turn her mind bacK on and instantly be sexy.
So often coupleshope that desire is a switch that will automatically be flipped to let the sexual desire flow once married. Unfortunately, sexual desire and comfortableness are more of a rheostat that is slowly turned up after marriage. Overcoming the environmental repression and skill deficits many experience will be a process and not a switch.
Skill deficits. As you and your mate explore your lovemaking, you may discover some definite skill deficits. Men don’t know all about sex. Curiosity, playfulness, a willingness to learn and experiment, and a trusting companionship can go a long way in overcoming a lack of technical ability. Both of you can humbly and playfully pick up new skills as you learn from each other.
In addition to technical knowledge (positions, anatomy, effective friction, for example), other skills needed include character traits (enthusiasm, curiosity, a humble openness) and relational skills (effective communication, gracefully initiating and refusing sex, romance, time). All are needed for increased sexual desire and great lovemaking.
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