Couples must learn to talk openly about sex as they readjust their attitudes. How can you bring your lovemaking into a more sexy and erotic place? Try the following points: 1. affirming sexiness; 2. identifying old fears, messages and irrational beliefs; 3. disputing and changing irrational beliefs.
Affirming Sexiness
In any relationship it is good to start with what you are doing right and what feels good. Waht are your existing strengths and positive points? You can then rest secure and confident in the fact that there are many ways in which you already have a great sex life with a foundation on which to improve. As you do this, you will also begin to identify some of the changes in attitudes and hebavior that need to take place.
Identifying Old Fears, Messages, and Irrational Beliefs
There are many common fears about lovemaking: letting yourself go, losing control, making a fool of yourself, making noises or appearing silly, being inept and clumsy. Identify what you are afraid of and where these fears came from.
One wife realized that her fears were based upon a variety of old messages: ”Nice girls are very careful about being overtly sexual"; “Never make a fool of yourself—it is safer not to be seen and not heard”; and “If I'm embarrassed or made fun of, I’ll just die." Her greatest catastrophe was to lose control of herself and make a real fool of herself. She dreaded that her husband might find her inadequate and make a critical comment when she was opening up a very personal part of herself—her sexuality.
One husband who was reluctant to initiate new things in lovemaking identifted how critical his father had been whenever he did chores around the house. The worst thing that could happen to him was looking dumb and lacking the requisite skills to be good at something, so he seldom took risks unless he could practice privately and perfect his skills before trying them out. He realized he did not completely trust his wife and feared that she might be critical and he wouldn’t measure up. His core irrational belief seemed to be: “If I make a mistake, I am a failure.
Disputing and Changing Irrational Beliefs
As a couple, work on disputing and changing some of the old messages and irrational fears and beliefs affecting your marriage. As each of you listens and shares gently and respectfully, you will be pleasantly surprised as you feel more trusting and in love. Intimacy is built upon honest sharing and nurturing each other. Your attitudes will begin to get readjusted in advantageous ways as your relationship grows.
Try behaviors that will make you violate your irrational beliefs so you have to deal with the fears. Affirm and support each other in what can be scary and uncomfortable behaviors, for example, simulate an orgasm with wild abandonment, make love trying three new behaviors, practice kissing together you can realize that no catastrophes occurred, and you are growing and changing personally and sexually.
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