Relationship builders. Relationship bombs can be defused and a passionate desire rekindled or built. How do you rev up a sex life where the relationship and desire have come to a screeching halt?
1.Start with rebuilding the companionship, and do some playful, nonsexual activities together first. If possible, plan a vacation and include time for connecting and conversation. Learn to truly listen to each other and to talk effectively together. Make sure you are actually understanding what your spouse is saying and vice versa. Once you have learned these skills, put them into practice and make them a part of your daily life together. Learn to use skills of conflict resolution, how to engage in light conversation, and how to share. Identify feelings, take risks to self-disclose, learn to accept yourpartner and yourself, ask for what you need, and refuse what you do not want. If there are deep-seated issues that have stalled your marriage and sex life, talk them through. If you cannot talk them through on your own, get counseling.
2.Increase your nonsexual touch and physical affection. Oxytocin is a peptide secreted in the brain that flows to various parts of the brain and throughout the reproductive organs of both men and women. It rises in response to touch and promotes touching. Oxytocin also promotes bonding between lovers and between parents and children. It sensitizes the skin to touch, spikes at orgasm, causes uterine contractions during orgasm and labor, increases sexual receptivity, increases penile sensitivity, and speeds ejaculation Oxytocin effects are increased by estrogen, which has led researchers to hypothesize that oxytocin may be especially important in sexual desire in women.
Unfortunately, as couples struggle with sexual desire issues it is not uncommon for them to withdraw from each other and cease touching. Hugs, massages, and intimate kisses fade into relationship history. Without touch, oxytocin production falls, as does the bonding in the relationship, lowering sexual desire even further. Learn to nurture and be nurtured with physical touch. Put your head in your spouse's lap and enjoy gentle caresses, hug while rubbing each other’s back tenderly, rub each other’s feet, lay in each other’s arms—produce that oxytocin!
3.Create separateness and togetherness in a solid companionship. Blocked lovemaking often evolves into a serious relationship problem. Learn to be close and depend on each other as well as create individual hobbies and down-time. Make time for each other and encourage time for individual pursuits. It takes two whole people to make a whole marriage and sex life.
4.Wake love more frequently. It may take some effort and a few failed attempts to get back to a more consistent sex life. Start with sensual massage, tune in to sexual sensations, and then include a lot of loveplay, nude hugs, and showers together before attempting intercourse. As with jumping into cold lake water; eventually you must hold your breath, psych yourselves up, and jump into having intercourse. Go into it with an expectation other than breaking the ice. Orgasms aren’t necessary. Choose to make love.
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