Here's an email from a reader after my initial foreplay challenge：
My husband really doesn't "get" foreplay. He thinks foreplay is play “just for me”, while sex is for “both of us”, and so if i want foreplay I’m being selfish, and I should do what’s best for “both of us”. He doesn’t understand that I can’t really enjoy intercourse if I don’t warm up first.
That’s extremely common. But part of the reason that we often rush foreplay is that it seems awkward She’s lying there, and he’s just touching her, and everybody feels like they're watching the clock, secretly saying, why is this taking so long?" The woman feels as if she’s being judged if she doesn't get aroused (though it's hard to get aroused when you feel rushed), and the man is feeling like this is really stupid because we should be getting to the main event.
We looked yesterday at some ways to make foreplay work better for her. But here are some ways to make him excited about it, too, so that both of you can embrace it as a vital part of making love!
1.Let Him Watch
Men are highly visual, and foreplay can begin with the way that you women beckon him upstairs, or undress, or crawl into bed. Push him onto the bed and then make him watch as you take off your clothes. I know some women are very sensitive to how their bodies look, but remember that he gets pleasure from it, and your body is the only naked woman's body he's allowed to see. Let him see it!
Besides, what’s sexy is often not just how your body looks but what you do with it. Ladies, tease him about by taking off your underclothes slowly-or even while you're leaning over him. Run your hands over your body before you let him touch you. That’s the kind of thing that will get him going!
One other thought: often the reason that we women like to get into our flannel pyjamas, rush under the covers, and then get undressed under the covers is because the bedroom is SO COLD, especially in winter. That's certainly the case in Canada, where I'm from! It's good budgeting to keep the heat in the house down at night. Absolutely. But guys,If you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually TURN THE HEAT UP.
And here's a simple way to do it that will still help your budget bottom line: Buy a space heater and put it on her side of the bed. Yes, electric heaters are very costly to run. But compared to heating a whole house, they’re nothing. And if you just have to have it on for 15 or 20 minutes while you make love, it’s worth it!
2.Touch Him, Too
Foreplay doesn’t have to just be for her; it can and should also involve her touching him. And touch him everywhere, not just in his genitals. Tease him a bit. And then ask him to show you just how he likes to be touched or stroked. Men tend to like things with a firmer hand than women do, which is why women are often too soft when we touch the guys, and they're often too rough with women. Just ask him to guide your hand.
Now, touching him the whole time that he's stimulating her may not be the best idea, since he may not do a thorough job if he's distracted- But doing it a little bit shows that you care about his pleasure, too. And it can also be highly arousing! Touch him and realize the power that you have over him. He wants you. Revel in that.
3.Women: Don’t Stay Still
One reason that we often feel like we should rush during foreplay is because she is just lying there, making the whole thing seem a little boring. But there's no reason that you both have to lie that way. In fact, there's no reason why you have to be in any ONE position for extended periods of time during foreplay. He could sit up, for instance, and then she could sit against him, so you're both facing the same direction. Then he can still reach around and stimulate various parts of her body, but it psychologically feels different. Many women find this a little more comfortable, too, because he isn't looking directly at her face.
4.Rub His Body
He'll enjoy this one: if you need to be stimulated a certain way, stimulate yourself. But not with your hand. Use his body instead. Find a way to grind against his leg, or even against his penis without him entering you, that feels delicious. This requires a lot of moving on the woman's part, which is what he’ll really enjoy. It makes it seem as if you are eager for his body and as if you are really enjoying it, which will excite him, too. And if you keep changing positions to get an even better angle, then he’s going to get stimulated.
You can add some tension to it by grabbing his hands and forcing him onto his back where he has to stay there, and then say something like, “Now, I'm going to use you.” l guarantee there are few guys who wouldn't appreciate that. Then find ways that work, and forbid him from moving. He’ll feel the sexual tension build, right as you're really enjoying yourself.
5.Kiss
Don't forget to kiss! If you're kissing, then it won't seem as if there’s a ticking clock in the background. And you don’t have to just kiss each other’s mouth, either. Kiss anything! You can even kiss something innocuous, like his neck or her ears, but try to tease and drive each other crazy like that.
6.Talk
Tell each other what feels good—and this is especially important for women! Tell him you love him. Comment on what great muscles he has. Remind him of a great time you had last year on your anniversary. Say something sexy! If you're talking, again you're showing him that you are enjoying this. You're into this. You’re excited about participating and to men, that’s a real turn on: to know that their wives want to be doing this.
Remember: What stimulates a man is often visual and psychological even more than physical. If she lets him watch her, he'll be excited. And if he feels as if she's excited, having a good time, and working hard to make this wonderful, then he’ll be excited, too. So foreplay doesn't have to be just about getting her physically stimulated. It can be about getting her in the mood but doing it in a way that she also reassures her husband that she's excited about being together. If you do all of those things, sex won’t seem like the main event anymore. It will all seem like it's part of the whole package!
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