Let me talk about , “the one”, just for a second. First of all, there is no "one!”. This idea is an idea of scarcity, and it's actually absurd if you think about it for just a moment. We've been sold a bill of goods that includes the notion that there's just one match for us, one soul mate, and we must find that one amazing love. You can set yourself free from this belief by realizing there are about 7 billion people on our planet. If half of them are men, you have about 3.5 billion people to choose from. Even if half of those are married, you have almost 2 billion people, or about 100 million in the United States, from which to find a suitable partner.
You won't have a finding problem-What you'll have is a sorting problem! The way I see it, your job is to define what you want and then sort through all of the candidates you possibly can until you find someone else who wants the same thing. The sorting problem comes from finding and having the time to sort.
What has happened in the past, however, is that you’ve most likely found someone you were attracted to (more on that soon), fell “ln like,” decided he was “the one,” and stayed in that relationship long after you knew it wasn’t working or going to work. Perhaps you didn't say what you wanted because he might have left. Maybe he didn't want to give you what you wanted, or he just didn’t want the same things you did. Can you hear the scarcity in this thought process? And the insanity?
Perhaps he said, as in my case, “I don’t believe in monogamy.” Or I’m in love with the German, but you’re great, too. Or, “l wasn't faithful to my first wife, but I will for sure be faithful to you.”
I heard all of these stories and more, and in every case, I didn't think their declarations were the truth because as women, we say 'yes" when we mean “no.” We misrepresent ourselves, our desires, our true wants, and our intentions. We then assume that men do, too. When I heard, “I don't believe in monogamy,” I thought, but I’m different. He wouldn’t cheat on me- I'm fabulous! Well, I'm not with him, so you can figure out how that relationship turned out.
Let me speak for a minute about how we misrepresent ourselves. I don’t mean this in a negative way. I'm just saying that we: wear make-up, push-up bras, self-tanner, hair color, and the list goes on. We, as women, do and say things that are considered normal in society, so we assume that men have the same wiring, the same approach. Well, they don't. Men tend to speak their truth, and we tend not to listen.
Not only is it time to start listening; it's also time to start stating what we want and the listening to how the people we are running into respond.
Back to stating your “purpose for dating” before you go on that first date. I didn’t exactly do this, but again, in retrospect, I wish I had. I mean, seriously, single moms have to get a babysitter to go on a date with someone who may or may not be interesting, interested, and have potential. Think of the time, money, and effort you will save by having a purpose for dating first! Men are usually very open about this topic and are not afraid to voice it. Women, however, make the mistake of thinking they can change him, and she will become “the one” who settled him down. Wrong!
Once I embraced this concept, I used it exactly three times:
The first guy looked at me like I was crazy. Truly crazy. Like at any moment, I was going to morph into an alien and take off in my space ship. I guess the honesty was too much for him. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. Lord only knows what actual crazy his reaction saved me from.
The second guy said, “Well, I’m really sexually attracted to you. I would love to take you away for the weekend and have awesome sex with you, but I'm not looking for a relationship and will be doing the same thing with women around the world."
My response was, “As special as that makes me feel, I’m going to say no.” We had a good laugh and stayed good friends for a while after that. He was actually a nice guy, but we just didn’t want the same things. He was a perfect example of someone I would have tangled myself up in and been hurt over eventually. Just for the record, he said he appreciated my candor and honesty.
The third guy was my Mr. Wonderful, and I broached the subject on our first date. In typical Byron fashion, he made me speak first because sharing these thoughts was my idea. When I finished stating my purpose for dating, he said,
“That’s exactly why I’m dating. We should keep dating.” And we did, and we’ve been married, as of the month of publication of this book, for four years. (Yes, we were on a blind date. I agreed to go to appease my girlfriend who had been trying to set us up for six months )
Knowing how well sharing my desires and clarity worked, I wish I had known to state my dating purpose years before and every single time before I had taken the time to get ready for a date!
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