You see, in Psalm 139:23, David says, Search me and know me”. In fact, that theme, begging God to dig deep inside our hearts and really “know” us, is throughout Scripture. And the same Hebrew word is used to represent our deep longing for a union with God and the sexual union between a husband and a wife.
What if there’s actualiy a connection? What if sex isn’t just supposed to be a physical union, but is supposed to also encompass this deep longing to be known, the way that David yearns for God?
I think that's actually part of God's plan for sex. Think about it: in sex we bare ourselves physically. But for sex to really Work well, we also have to bare ourselves emotionally. We have to be able to be vulnerable. We have to be to “let go”. Women have to emotionally let him in for us to even get aroused. And men have to let their guard down, too, in order to experience the kind of love they long for.
God created people with a desperate longing for relationship. We long to know and be known, and in that knowing to be accepted. It’s our deepest need. God gave us this drive to know Him and be known by Him, but He also gave us these sexual longings which minor how we long to be truly united with our husbands and with God-to be truly and wonderfully KNOWN.
I talk about this at great length in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, and look at how we can make this spiritual longing and spiritual intimacy part of the sexual experience, because I truly believe that it's the spiritual intimacy that people actually crave the most. When we focus only on the physical, sex too often can seem shallow. When we combine the physical with the emotional and the spiritual, sex is stupendous, because it encompasses all that we are. One of the reasons that our culture has become more pornographic-and why things that were once considered sexually taboo are now pretty much mainstream-is that our culture has made sex into something only physical because they don't have anything else. And yet they know they're missing something, so they try more and more extreme things.
We, who are married, have the real deal. We have the ingredients for an amazing sexual relationship, because it's real intimacy, not just orgasm. (And, by the way, that makes orgasm even greater!). In fact, the women who were the most likely to orgasm in the surveys I took were Christian women. When you're in a lifetime committed relationship, you're more likely to experience all the great aspects of sex-and not just the physical.
That spiritual union that is part of sex isn't something out of the Kama Sutra or some eastern thing That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that deep hunger to connect that is part of sex-not just a desire for orgasm. but a desire to be joined. And to me, that's actually more profound, and more of an aphrodisiac, than the thought of something specifically physical.
But how, practically, can we experience "spiritual intimacy” while making love? Here are some thoughts：
1.Take time being naked.
I don't just mean taking your clothes off to make love. I mean actually be naked together. Hold each other. Take a bath together. Even pray naked together! Redo that exercise where you just take time touching each others’ bodies. Really feel as if you completely know the other person. It's actually more vulnerable to be naked while someone touches you than just to be naked while you "have sex”. And so take that time to explore!
2.Take time to be spiritually naked.
This may sound weird, but trust me on it: pray before sex or at least read a Psalm or something. When we unite together spiritually first, it’s as if our souls are drawn together. And when our souls are drawn together, we want to draw together in a deeper way. So keep a Bible by the bed and just read passages at nighttime together. Try to pray together. If you're uncomfortable with free form prayer, buy a book of prayers, or use the Anglican prayer book. The words don't matter; the heart does. When you mean it, and you bow before God together, you really are drawn towards each other in a much more intense way.
3.Look into each others' eyes
The eyes are windows, and yet how often do we close our eyes, as if we're trying to shut the other person out, and concentrate on ourselves? I know sometimes you have to close your eyes to feel everything, but sometimes open up and look into each other's eyes. To actually see your spouse-and to let your spouse see into you-is very intimate, especially at the height of passion.
4.Say "I love you"
It’s such a little thing, but while you're making love, or even when you orgasm, say “I love you”. Make sex about not just feeling good, but expressing love. Say your spouse's name Show him or her that you're completely captivated.
5.Desire Your Spouse
Spiritual intimacy during sex ultimately depends on that desire to be united with your spouse. And that desire is fed throughout the day-by concentrating on what you love about each other, by thinking about each other, by flirting and playing together, with him, by saying positive things about each other to friends. It isn't something that “just happens”. It’s something that is the culmination of a relationship that you already have.
I truly believe that for many couples this is THE major roadblock to sex being everything it can be. Tomorrow we'll be dissecting some of the problems with spiritual intimacy and sex a little more, but I think many people have bought into this idea that sex is only physical, when really sex is the physical expression of a deep drive we have to be connected to one another.
I received a comment recently from a woman who said this：
I always thought "Oh sex is just something that HE needs, I can do fine without it". So not true. I need it too! We have connected in amazing ways, in and out of the bedroom and I am so excited to have my old husband back!
For you women who are reading this, sex ISN'T something that he needs just for physical release; it's that he needs to feel really intimate. And we need that, too! Many of us push sex out of the way because it seems like a chore, but what really doing, then, is denying ourselves one of the most powerful tools we have to feel truly connected and accepted by another individual.
If sex makes you feel dirty, or is a constant source of conflict, then wait until tomorrow’s post. But if it’s simply that you've never experienced sex this way, then try those steps. Concentrate on what you love about each other. Pray together. Memorize each other's bodies. Say I love you. Look into each other's eyes. Truly be joined. There really is nothing else like it.
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