Because men value sex more than women at the beginning of a relationship, and sexual opportunities are scarcer for men than women, women tend to be less invested and more confident early in on the interaction. When a man approaches her and induces her to become as invested in him as he is in her, this is the process of seduction. Sex occurs as a natural side effect of this process. Seduction is the process by which a man induces a woman to become as invested in him as he is in her.
Story of Daniel and Stacy
Daniel is 24 years old and trying to get over a three-year dry spell. It’s the first time he’s pursued women since his only girlfriend dumped him three years ago.
Daniel goes out to a bar one night and approaches Stacy. Daniel approaches her with what seems like an innocuous question about drunk guys getting in fights. She responds and he follows it up with a number of quirky lines to soon get her laughing.
These are lines and questions Daniel learned from reading a pick up book on women. Daniel has been practicing the tactics for a while and has recently become proficient at using them. After facing countless rejections, he’s finally able to get girls’ phone numbers and even a few dates.
He continues to talk to Stacy throughout the night about pre-ordained topics he’s comfortable with. He’s able to punctuate each lull with tried and tested jokes he’s used dozens of times. Every time, Stacy laughs on cue. He touches her on the arm just like he read to do, and she touches him back. She's interested.
A week later, after some fun texting, Stacy meets up with Daniel for a date. Once again, Daniel executes everything he’s learned: stick to topics about her passions, move her from venue to venue, never sits across from her but next to her, use a planned excuse to get her back to his place, etc.
There are hiccups along the way, but it all more or less works. Stacy seems genuinely attracted and when Daniel finally works up the nerve to kiss her, she kisses back enthusiastically.
Daniel is ecstatic. He feels like months of hard work have finally paid off.
The second date goes similarly. Daniel manages to get Stacy back to his apartment where, fumbling through his excitement, he has sex with her.
Daniel is on cloud nine, delirious with joy and drunk on validation. He jumps online to talk to his best friend and tell him all of the clever lines he said and how much she likes him.
Little does Daniel realize that it wasn’t his lines and tricks that Stacy fell for, it was the endearing way he laughed at himself whenever he was self-conscious. She thought it was cute and it reminded her of her first boyfriend. She also was in a lonely stretch of her life and wanted to feel needed by someone and the fact that Daniel was working so hard for her approval flattered her and made her feel a little less alone.
At least for a little while.
Daniel and Stacy see each other a few more times over the following weeks, but something changes. Since he’s already had sex with her, Daniel stops running his lines and tactics that he learned. He slowly reverts back to his normal self, his needy self: desperate for attention and approval.
It begins subtly with him agreeing with everything she says followed by a sudden inability to come up with new and interesting topics of conversation. It turns out he spend most of his time watching TV and playing video games, and there’s not a whole lot to talk about on that front. What used to be vibrant and hilarious bantering has now turned into Stacy showing up, saying whatever she wants and Daniel more or less agreeing with her until it's time to have sex, which is now bad, uninteresting sex.
But Stacy is changing too. She's starting to realize that she used sex as a way to make herself feel less lonely and that perhaps she was way too invested in a guy she actually didn't have anything in common with. But rather than recognize that she made a mistake, she continues to see Daniel out of guilt and for fear of feeling like a slut.
One day, Daniel texts Stacy about meeting up with him that weekend. She was busy studying for a test that night and didn't reply. Stacy was actually busy, she tells herself. What she doesn't admit to herself is that she could have made time if she wanted.
Daniel begins to get insecure about why Stacy’s not responding. He gets online and asks his friend for advice. His friend says that he needs to text her something really crazy to get her to pay attention and like him again.
The next day, after her test, Stacy sees her phone and notices four new texts from Daniel. The first one is casual, but each one gets progressively weirder and more nonsensical. Stacy is turned off-it's that neediness rearing its ugly head again. But again, out of guilt and unsure of how to end things due to her own neediness, she decides to pretend the texts didn’t happen and agrees to meet Daniel that weekend, even though at this point, it feels more like an obligation and not something she’s excited to do.
But Daniel is not so easily fooled. He’s not about to reward Stacy’s “bad behavior" by immediately hanging out with her. He was taught in his pick up books to never let the girl set the terms of the relationship. So he waits a few hours and then texts Stacy that she's too late and he's already made other plans with other people. She finds this strange. Daniel had texted her four times, but truthfully she feels somewhat relieved. She can move on with her life.
The following week Daniel texts Stacy and coldly insinuates that he’s ready to see her now, if she's willing to work for it. The condescension and disrespectful tone pisses Stacy off and she doesn’t respond.
Two days later Daniel, drunk and confused about why Stacy doesn’t want to see him anymore, sends a sappy text saying that he really likes her and really wants to see her again and doesn't know why she doesn't like him anymore.
Completely confused and turned off, Stacy replies that he's a nice guy but she just wants to be friends, even though she has no intention of ever seeing him again.
Enlightenment
Danie’s story is a quintessential example of why pick up lines, routines, value tactics and the like are only short-term solutions. Daniel was needy and highly-invested in Stacy’s affection from the start. All Daniel did was use techniques and lines to trick Stacy into thinking he was far more confident and less invested than he actually was.
And it worked, for a bit. But the irony here is that what attracted her the most was not Danie’s lines, but the authenticity of him bumbling through them to impress her. Stacy found it endearing and genuine and was in an unconfident place herself at the time. She was in a place in her life where she wanted to feel needed and powerful. She also found the idiosyncrasies of his personality to be cute, as they re-minded her of her first boyfriend. So she slept with him.
But as Daniel’s lines and techniques ran out, the true level of investment became more and more clear. Daniel’s behavior became erratic and it disgusted Stacy, causing her to cut him off in some ugly text exchanges.
Learning techniques and pick up lines without doing genuine, identity-level work in order to permanently decrease your neediness ends up only being a band-aid solution. It provides a short, temporary relief from an otherwise permanent problem. It causes more stress. And it ultimately makes us feel worse about ourselves.
Overcoming neediness is not about learning what to say or new things to do. Overcoming your neediness comes through a change in your mindset, your self-perception, and your self-respect. It's as simple as just changing your mind about women.
The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Love yourself. Otherwise no, one else will.
Comment