“I’m dating a nice Christian guy who I like and respect”, said the email (so far, so good - however, I hear a 'but’ coming). But... (There it is) I’m not physically attracted to him. I know there are more important things in a relationship, but shouldn’t there be some spark? Or as a Christian, does God expect me to be less shallow?'
I am surprised how many people - both women and men - write to me because they are worried that they 'ought’ to date someone they are not attracted to, and to insist on attraction would be superficial and ungodly.Does attraction matters in dating?
Certainly, the Bible tells us that God looks not at outward appearances, but at the heart. We all need to be mindful of our tendency to respond to people based on looks, and to strive to value everyone equally, whether they're sparkling and beautiful, or unlovely and odd. However, when it comes to picking a husband or wife, I do not believe we should feel guilty for wanting to be attracted to them In fact, I would go so far as to say it is essential.
Of course, sexual attraction (which is not the same as good looks-I have been wildly attracted to some positively plain men in my time) is not everything. We need much more for a strong, healthy marriage, and it is all too easy to be blinded to a person with bad character or incompatibility by infatuation. I recently heard a man admit he had married a beautiful ‘trophy wife’ and, years later, is being driven mad by her lack of intelligence and conversation (and that is not her fault - the poor woman is who she is; he created his own misery - and hers - by marrying someone incompatible just because she was a stunner).
However, none of this means that attraction is not important. Forgive me for putting this bluntly, friends, but marrying someone means vowing to have sex with them regularly for the rest of your life (health and old age allowing) I do not know about you, but the prospect of getting physical with someone I am not attracted to makes me recoil in horror. Your spouse is not just your friend (although, of course, they must be that, too). A defining factor of marriage is that it is a sexual relationship, and there should be joy in that. Therefore, I do not believe God asks us to settle for someone we have no desire for.
I do not think that is selfish, either. When I was contemplating dating someone, I liked but wasn't all that attracted to, my brother pointed out how unfair it was to the man in question - 'He deserves a woman who finds him desirable’ my brother insisted. You wouldn’t just be cheating yourself.
Of course, we must be realistic. We cannot all marry Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. Holding out for perfection may mean waiting forever. The sum of the package is what is important for me, a man who is attractive with a sunny personality and a kind heart will always trump a person who has off-the-scale sex appeal but is selfish or rude. In any case, aging, illness, stress and good old familiarity will cause that wild attraction to fade, and its friendship and character that will keep the love alive. However, that does not mean desire does not matter.
Attraction can develop over time, so it is wise to get to know a good man or woman before making any rash decisions - they might just surprise you. However, if you are sure there is no spark there, it may be time to do the kindest thing for both of you, and agree to be 'just good friends’.
How important is attraction to you in relationships? We would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
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