Do You Respect What You Really Want?

Author Beth Banning and Neill Gibson From How to Rekindle an Unhappy Marriage - overcome resentment and regain the trust you need 5 years ago 7655

It is often very difficult to know how to resolve conflicting desires arising in a relationship without stirring up resentful feelings, especially in a marriage. Actually there are ways to get love and respect you want, and be able to consider everyone's needs. But the best methods always begins by looking inward. Whenever you're made feel frustrated or worried about the relationship. As long as you believe the person in a relationship, whether it is your spouse, your boss or a close friend, any conflicts arising between you and the people you trust will make you feel frustrated, worried or even angry and you'll be powerless and gradually feel resentful.

Feelings are not caused by others

It's impossible for anyone else to make us feel any particular way. However, it's our thinking about the situation that causes our pain. Anytime you're feeling hurt and resentful over any similar situation, you should start by shifting your focus. You should believing that any hurt is caused by your partner's action. Instead, you should create a powerful moment for yourself and it's not your spouse's behavior that's painful. Instead, it's your thinking you'll lose something. Or otherwise, not getting something you value will cause you pain.

Once you understand this, you can decide what you really want out of the situations. When you do this you're actually in the process of creating truly satisfying outcomes. Then you can begin looking at all situations as opportunities and explore what's most important to both you and your spouse.

Be specific

When you find yourself in a situation when you're busy while your partner has more spare time than you. You should learn to cope with that. First you need to learn to enjoy time of your own. Moreover, you should be clear about the amount of time you'd like to spend with your spouse. Do you know specifically what you would like to do if you spend more time together. Have you clarified in your mind that how you'd like to build the quality of connection you truly want? The real idea is to get very clear about what you "do really want" when it comes to spending time with your spouse.

Experiential practices for respecting what you want

There're many skills, tools and understandings we teach that can support you in creating what kind of relationship you want. Words can only give you an intellectual understanding of these concepts. It is only experiential learning and practice that permanently shifts behavior and habitual reactions. The following two experiential practices are presented for you:

1. Each time when you feel yourself feeling uncomfortable, you should stop as soon as you can and identify all thoughts causing your discomfort. Then you need to ask yourself "Do you really want that kind of thinking guiding your actions?" If not, you should ask yourself what actions can you take that you would enjoy more?

2. Listen to yourself everytime you hear yourself saying things such as "I don't want, I don't like, I wish you wouldn't..." or any other "don't want" statements. Instead, you should stop and write down what you really "do want" in the situation.

The first step to start in a challenging situation is to look inside yourself and see what part you're playing. As soon as you start cleaning up your internal environment, it's much easier to start negotiating outcomes that're satisfying to everyone involved.

Continuous practices as above will not only help you get all the love and respect you desire, but also they'll support you in experiencing more peace, predictability and harmony in your relationship. Life will be much more enjoyable if you're the one in control of how you feel.

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