Stumbling Blocks to Severing Ties with the Affair Partner

Author Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT From How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful 6 years ago 10368

Sometimes a straying spouse is afraid to completely break things off with the affair partner. Here are a few common concerns:


The strayer may be unsure as to whether the spouse will accept him/her back.

Gingerly holding onto the affair partner for a little security will guarantee your failure to restore the marriage. Even if the faithful spouse doesn’t consciously know that you’ve maintained some manner of connection with the other person, he/she will sense it intuitively and not be able to trust you. Continued secret contacts with the lover will put an invisible wedge in the marriage, keep your heart in knots, and strain the faithful spouse’s nerves. You will feel better in the long run if you take the leap of faith to completely let go of the outside person and give your marriage a fighting chance.


The betrayer may be unsure the spouse will ever meet his or her needs.

No matter the condition of the marriage before the affair, the betrayer had a lot of options besides an outside romance, such as: directly expressing unmet needs, dragging the partner in for extended counseling, insisting he or she join you on a Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille Weekend, a bold letter to the spouse, a well-planned intervention of some kind, or even therapeutic, controlled separation (under the guidance of a counselor or pastor. Even divorcing an abusive or cruel partner is more merciful than seeking solace in the arms of a lover during the marriage.

Successful Rebuilders accept full responsibility for the decision to betray the marriage partner. They carefully examine their unhealed inner conflicts, many of which likely predated the marriage (such as parental divorce, a father’s neglect, bitterness over a life tragedy, or unresolved childhood wounds). Rebuilders also identify and explore any attitudes, such as personal entitlement or self-centeredness, that may have fueled the affair. While current stressors can also make someone vulnerable to an affair, Rebuilders know the roots of disloyalty usually go deeper than that.

The betrayer needs to accept the fact that no human being will ever be able to completely meet his or her needs. In most cases, the betrayer’s perception of his/her needs have been artificially magnified by the affair. As therapists and researchers have discovered, the hormones activated in the brain during a forbidden affair mimic the effect of morphine, lighting up the pleasure-centers of the brain in a way not possible in a reality-based, long-term marriage.

If the condition of your marriage was poor before temptation came along, it usually wasn't as bad as you think it was. And it was certainly more salvageable than it will be post-affair.

When you view your relationship through the distorted lens of illicit love, your marriage will naturally appear rather dull. You may even rewrite the story of your marriage as having been more “miserable” than it really was in order to explain these new, exciting feelings to yourself for others. Most strayers who “bond” with their lovers, detach from their spouses and view them in more jaded ways than before.

That said, Successful Rebuilders who put in the effort to heal their partners’ wounds up front, later have the chance to address formerly unresolved marital issues. Keep in mind that although your faithful partner may have played a role in your vulnerability to an affair, that is not the same thing as causing it. Your spouse did not hold a gun to your head and insist that you get involved with someone else. You chose to step out of the marriage on your own. Your job is to take responsibility for the affair, work hard to rebuild your partner’s trust, and offer comfort and reassurance. Then, once your commitment to honesty has been re-established and the inital turmoil has subsided, your spouse will be more willing to address any troubling marital issues that predated the affair.


The strayer may feel sorry for the affair partner and dread hurting him or her.

The betrayer needs to show more concern for the feelings of the injured spouse than for the illicit romantic partner, if he/she hopes to save the marriage. Some affairs begin with someone trying to “rescue” another from some perceived unhappy circumstance. That is still not an excuse to feel sorrier for the affair partner than your devastated spouse.

For example, consider Governor Mark Sanford’s explanation for how his affair began,"This person at the time was separated, and we ended up in this incredibly serious conversation about why she ought to get back with her husband for the sake of her two boys; that not only was it part of God’s law, but ultimately those two boys would be better off for it.”

Did you notice? Their undercover relationship deepened when they discussed their personal lives and he felt drawn to "help" this Argentine woman, in the guise of spiritual advice.

Successful Rebuilders rip their misplaced loyalties away from the affair partner and attach them like glue to the faithful spouse, adopting a new motto: the real spouse comes first.

Smart Rebuilders never defend the affair partner to the hurt spouse. Nor do they coax the faithful spouse to sympathize with the lover. "But she was hurting and in an abusive marriage.”Too bad. Your lover’s sorry plight is of no concern to your spouse. Defending or feeling sorry for the paramour will only further alienate your hurt partner. After all, he or she colluded with you to violate the marriage and had little conscience about hurting your spouse.

Sometimes the betraying person may want to string the lover along “just in case” the marriage doesn’t work out.

Rebuilding a marriage is impossible when a third party is dangling in the wings. You need to have both feet firmly planted back into your marriage if it is to have any chance of surviving. Allow no backdoors.


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