Thoughtfulness, Surprises, and Tender Connecting in Great Marriage

Author Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau From A Celebration of Sex 6 years ago 8524

Couples often look at me with surprise in the counseling office when I give them this homework: “I want you to go home and for the next two weeks, I want you to be nice to each other.” I think this advice startles and resonates with them because it’s a simple concept; but they know they have been neglecting this important skill of every great marriage. They often come back feeling more in love when they have intentionally returned to doing the small, loving gestures that are the glue in intimate relationships—asking if the partner wants something since they are already in the kitchen, courtesy calls home, compliments and tender touches. Thoughtfulness and choosing to be nice spill over into wanting to connect sexually. It’s not much fun sleeping with the enemy.


One fun type of thoughtfulness is surprises. Surprises tell our mates that we thought of them when we weren't with them and that they are important to us. It truly isn't the cost but the attentiveness and time that score points, especially with our wives. Taking time to call, getting a baby-sitter, or remembering to buy a small gift truly contributes to our feeling loved.


Romantic sexual surprises are meaningful too. These creative innovations say to our sweetheart, “I thought of you and your pleasure. I'm stretching to reach out beyond my-self to nurture you.” I'm stretching to reach out beyond my-self to nurture you.” One wife, knowing what aroused her husband, went out and bought a complete outfit of lingerie for her own private striptease.


Chemistry doesn't usually strike randomly—remember how unselfish and nice you were in those dating days and recapture some of that. These little acts of self-sacrificing love are the brush strokes that paint a beautiful picture of commitment, romance, and passion in your mate's heart.


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