Feeling totally one with your spouse is a beautiful thing.
Yet just because sex physically feels good does not mean that ingoing to feel like we're one, and that’s because many people, when they make love, aren't mentally present. They’re thinking of something else in their heads, and so their bodies are responding to fantasy, not to reality. It isn’t your spouse who is capturing your attention; it's an image from a movie, or a book, or pornography, or even a memory. And that will wreck your chances of experiencing intimacy.
Unfortunately, though, in our pornographic culture sex has often been reduced to the physical. What's arousing isn't a person; it's an image. And so we find it very difficult to get aroused during sex without first concentrating on an image. In fact, psychologists have even coined a new term, Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, for those who can't maintain an erection, or who can't stay aroused, with their spouse, but require additional stimulus, like porn or erotica.
My husband's a physician, and when he was in medical school, he was taught that when you’re counseling a couple having sexual problems, you should recommend that they watch porn together. Porn has become mainstream. Yet it is not harmless. The more that our bodies become aroused by an external stimulus, like pornography, the more our bodies start to require that stimulus in order to become aroused. The feeling—arousal—is now associated primarily with that stimulus. And so just being with your spouse and touching your spouse isn't enough anymore.
To compound the problem, when people use pornography (and it's not just men; 30% of porn users are female), they usually masturbate as well. They're spending their sexual energy on pornography rather than on their marriage. That diminishes their desire for their spouse, and is actually one of the leading causes of lack of libido. You're getting your satisfaction elsewhere, and so your spouse isn’t enough anymore. That’s going to hurt your spouse. Women, especially, will feel ugly and unwanted. Even if guys who use porn swear that it has nothing to do with their wives, and that they still love their wives, women will interpret this 一rightly一as a form of cheating. When you get aroused by an image of someone else, and then you masturbate that image, it’s virtually the same as cheating.
While many women also use porn, our weakness tends to be erotica. Novels like 50 Shades of Grey sell like hotcakes to sexually frustrated moms, and people think of it as harmless. It's simply getting her in the mood! And that's a good thing, right?
Nope. Because while she may be in the mood, she’s in the mood because of a fantasy, not because of her husband. And when she makes love, it's that fantasy that is going to be turning her on, not her husband. The more that we use something else to get aroused, the less our spouse will be able to arouse us, and the more difficulty we will have staying “mentally present” while we're making love.
What does being mentally present look like?
We Won’ t Focus on Something Else
We’ll make the decision not to think about a pornographic image or a storyline or a past lover. We'll concentrate on how much we love our spouse and on how exciting our spouse is. And that will be virtually impossible to do if we are still filling our mind with porn or erotica. So you must give that up. Just like an alcoholic has to say no to alcohol, say no to what is stealing your sexual energy.
For many people that means accountability. Get controls on your computer. Share your account on your ereader so that your spouse can see what you’re reading. Get a same sex accountability partner that you can have coffee with who will challenge you to remain faithful in every way—and you do the same for him or her.
We’ll Think Sexy Thoughts about Our Spouse
Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with remembering something wonderful that you did together that was stupendous, or imaging being on a beach, or whatever it may be for you. But to fantasize about someone who isn't your spouse, or to bring up pornographic images to get aroused, isn’t right. And it hinders your ability to really bond with your spouse.
We’ll Give Ourselves Grace
Remaining mentally present is tricky when we have a history with porn. If either of you is shortcutting the arousal cycle by pulling up pornographic images, ask God to help you stop, and then practice just being present. Think about your body. Think about your spouse. Trace your fingers along your spouses body. Think specifically about what is feeling good and what you love about your spouse, and say some of these things out loud. Keep your mind focused on the here and now, and you’ll find it a much more intimate, and intense, experience.
And if you do find the images start to interfere, stop what you're doing for a minute and just talk and kiss again, until you find that your mind is back where it should be.
If your spouse is the one dealing with this, then extend that grace. Sure it hurts to know that your spouse struggles with fantasy, but it's so much better to give him or her a safe place to admit when they're struggling than it is to humiliate them and make them afraid to tell you when they struggle. If you want honesty and intimacy in the bedroom, you have to give your spouse room to admit when the/re having problems~and you have to dedicate yourself to helping them get over them. Remember, the point is the direction you are going, not the place you have come from. So don't get mad at the past, just join together to head towards a better sex life in the future.
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