Perhaps you and your spouse grew up arguing and enjoy the challenge, or are afraid of conflict and avoid it or distance yourselves when you feel attacked. Or your sexual disagreements often end with nothing resolved and anger on both sides. Agree to practice these "fight-management" skills as you institute some rules. The guidelines apply to managing all of your communication more effectively, but they especially apply to conflict resolution.
Stick to the topic. Perhaps you have the habit of switching topics when you're losing. Sometimes one topic suggests another, but it is extremely confusing to get two or three going at once.
Pick your battles and develop your timing. Some things are not worth fighting about. If you have seven points of contention, pick your top two. Otherwise, in your nit-picking you will not be heard when you really need to make a point. Choose carefully the things you cannot live with and accept—make a stand only on those items. Some hills are not worth dying on. Be strategic in timing your conversations and conflict. Don’t sit on your feelings, but avoid times when you are extremely hungry, angry, or tired.
Remain courteous. increased volume, power struggles, scorekeeping, and blaming “you” language are extremely ineffective. Passive withdrawal or aggressive attacking is discourteous and can create a negative atmosphere. Sexual topics can become personally loaded but keep it clean.
Set limits. Know when to stop, even if it means to agree to disagree for now. From midnight to 3:00 A.M. is seldom a productive time. You and your mate know when conflict has become counterproductive or is escalating out of control—stop right then! Remember to include humor and to include a short bathroom or snack break now and then. These help both of you to keep your perspective and limit angry intensity.
Reconcile the relationship (forgive, apologize, emphasize your love). Reconciling is different from agreeing or com-promising on the issues of your fight; it is not letting , “the sun go down on your wrath”(Eph. 4:26NKJV). (The sun may go down on your disagreement but hopefully not on youranger.) It is amazing what you can accomplish by saying, “I’m sorry you’re upset,” “I really do love you,” or “Forgive me.” somehow, in the midst of conflict, phrases like this stick in your throat, but if you can apologize and affirm your love, these words have a soothing and healing effect. Humility and gentleness go a logn way in managing conflict. Remember, your relationship is much mor than this fight.
Practice Exercise： start working through, one at a time, the emotionally loaded topics in the sexual area of your relationship—those that have produced ineffective fights in the past. Both of you keep a list of the communication- management “skills” in front of you. Practice sticking to the topic and remaining courteous as you work through the three skills of great communication. Stop at forty-five minutes per session. Be courageous and wise as you look at tough areas (for example, sex during the wife's period, managing the children, language you don’t like, more spontaneity, birth control, and so on). Practice your em pathyskills andgive understanding summaries of the content, feelings, and needs that your partner has expressed.
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