Just as every coin has two sides. Fatasy can enhance lovemaking while it can also cause some dangers if not in a proper state. Those dangers in fantasy lovemaking include distorting fantasy, poor thought control, diminishing your mate, etc. You should realize those dangers and try your best to avoid in order to improve your healthy sex life.
Distorting Fantasy
Fantasy can be distorted. As you allow yourself to enjoy fantasy, you must be wisely mature. What exactly gets you thinking outside God's guidelines for great sex and into sinful, destructive lust? The Bible warns that the Lord hates “a heart that devises wicked plans” (Prov. 6:18 NKJV), and it urges that "you put off . . . the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts” (Eph. 4:22 nkjv). How can you as a Christian utilize your visual perceptions and the sexual thought processes that follow to sabotage healthy sexuality and intimate companionship? When are you guilty of Vicked plans”?
Destructive lust forgets that every person is special and three-dimensional with a body, soul, and spirit. Lust objectifies (makes a sexual object of) a person and views the person as a detached body with only genitals and erotic appeal but no personality (or soul). Lust can harm other people for per-onal sexual gratification because it has detached sex from a person and an intimate relationship.
Harmful sexual thinking is immature and practices poor impulse control. You constantly focus on sexual stimuli in the environment; sex becomes a mental preoccupation. Sex invades your total life, assuming too great an importance as you notice every little sexual cue. Sex can take on addictive proportions and sabotage a balanced life and caring relationships
Damaging sexual fantasy keeps looking at and obsessing about a person or sexual situations outside marriage. This Ousting after" sets up a person until the thinking begins to encourage the likelihood of sinful behaviors and infidelity. Lust is often a detrimental pattern that comes out of and perpetuates a series of poor choices.
Lust diminishes your attraction to your mate and can be insulting to your mate, who comes to feel inferior, embarrassed, or neglected. It detracts from your commitment to building a more exciting sex life with your partner. Sinful fantasy adulterates your enjoyment of your partner rather than enhancing your sexual intimacy together.
Poor Thought Control
The Roman Christians were exhorted, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”; and “To be spiritually minded is life and peace” (Rom. 12:2; 8：6 NKJV). Paul also encouraged, 'Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble; whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report. . . meditate on these things”(PhiL 4:8 NKJV). God has given us as human beings the marvelous capacity to choose what we wish to think and fantasize about.
Men don't always have greater sex drives than women. Men more often than women have poor thought control, though both are afflicted with this disease. Seeing an attractive woman at a restaurant and following her across the room as you mentally undress her is wrongly accelerating your sex drive—not a result of your higher sex drive. There's a difference between being highly sexed and allowing one's thought life to run along unchecked (see Chapter 28).
Lust is a fascinating and often poorly understood word. We have already established that we are not talking about enjoying sexual stimuli or creating a fantasy life. Lust is distorted fantasy and especially unchecked sexual thoughts一 objectifying and using sexuality in a way that does not produce intimacy or a more fulfilling sex life. We are warned as Christians that "each of you should know how to possess his own vessel [body, especially the mind] in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust”(1 Thess. 4:4 - 5 NKJV).
Diminishing Your Mate
The sexual verbs are relate and connect, and great sex is based on a fun and loving relationship. Your fantasy life —both old and newly input erotic data and the imaginative use of this inform atiofi—should enhance your intimate companionship. Pining over the lack of breast size or focus
ing on the muscles of other men is diminishing your spouse and can lead to ineffective fantasies. If you choose to focus on supposed flaws, you will never build the kind of erotic enjoyment of your mate’s body that you need for a great sex life.
When you fantasize, fantasize about your mate in exciting situations. Any time your fantasies exclude your mate, you diminish your mate’s importance to your emotional and physical fulfilment.
Many mates at times think of something else when they are making love. Is this destructive? One wife confessed that she often planned her week's agenda during the Sunday night sexual session with her husband. Is this always wrong? Yes. Anything that diminishes your mate and your focus on making love is counterproductive.
Is it always damaging to bring erotic fantasies of someone else into married sex? It will not instantly sabotage your love life, but it will not maximize your lovemaking; and it can drain off sexual energy that you could be using to eroticize and focus on your partner. You may be creating a private world in your head to the exclusion of your partner as you simply use his or her body. It diminishes your mate and could come to destroy your mate’s erotic attractiveness. If you are feeling bored or curned off, you need to face that and deal with it, not create destructive fantasies.
Immature Patterns
Men often are less holistic in their sexuality than women as they fixate on some narrow focus, neglecting a broad range of fantasies and feelings. Men unfortunately are not alone in creating patterns that restrict God’s plan of exciting sexual bonding in marriage.
One woman enjoyed dating, loved to kiss, and all her life had romanticized sex. In her mind, sex was gentle wooing and sexy flirting. After she married, sex became difficult for her. It suddenly involved physical aspects of making love, and she felt she lost all control. As she sought answers, she realized that she had an immature, limiting sexual mind-set that desperatelyneeded an overhaul. Her repertoire of erot-ically stimulating images, settings, ambiances, and styles required expansion. Not using your imagination and fantasy can be as immature as employing distorted fantasies.
Spectating
Anothervariety of immaturity and ineffective use of fantasy involves spectating. Mentally, great lovers focus on and revel in the present experience. However, all of us at times mentaliy leave the scene arid watch the lovemaking as if from afar. The wife, who thinks she is taking too long to climax and her husband is growing tired, all of a sudden becomes anxious, spectates, and loses all capacity for arousal. The husband who doubts his ability to get an erection or excite his wife mentally leaves the immediate lovemaking, anxious about his performance. Both are mentally up on the bedpost observing the process, rather than being mentally present and involved. This can obviously be very sabotaging.
You can use your imagination in negative ways as you spectate and borrow trouble or create agendas in your mind rather than enjoy the sexual celebration. Effective fantasy utilizes imaginative capacity to enjoy the party and create new levels of excitement. Keep your mind on your lovemaking, and don’t spectate!
Destructive Fantasies
“lt all depends" does not apply to all of fantasy. Some types of fantasy are wrong 一period. Any fantasy that involves children is wrong. We are responsible for protecting God's little ones, especially those He has entrusted to our care, and ensuring they are not sexualized destructively.
Time Out:
1. Each of us distorts fantasy in some way. Which examples and areas apply to you? What reward do you receive from that distortion that keeps you from changing it? The first step in changing this distortion can be sharing this secret with your mate or a friend.
2.What makes you detach and spectate? Discuss this with your mate, and both of you figure out how to do some prevention, as well as ways to get back into the lovemaking (for example： criticism causes anxiety and detachment; your mate’s being more active would get you back into the activity).
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