The more you’ve bottled up your emotions throughout your life, the more painful these actions are going to be. As vulnerability researcher Brene Brown says, “the less you talk about your shame, the more of it you have.”
Practicing vulnerability is a pain period
When undertaking any emotional shift or change in behavior, there's going to be an initial “pain period”. The pain period typically happens in the beginning of the change and forming a new habit. It's the period of greatest resistance and discomfort and the period in which most people give up.
Whether it’s bodybuilding, learning a new language or starting a new job, there’s going to be an awkward and difficult period where you’re going to struggle, fail at times, and most of all, feel vulnerable.
Most people absolutely hate this feeling and avoid it as much as possible. Being vulnerable hurts. It’s embarrassing. It's difficult. And as a result, these people don't learn new things or improve the old ones. That first time you approach a woman at a party or offer your number, chances are you’re going to be freaking out. And if she doesn’t react well, it’s going to be quite painful. And that’s all right. That first time you pick up the phone to call a girl you like. The first time you go in for the kiss. These are nerve-wracking moments that are not very pleasant to go through.
It’s especially difficult if you’ve already had success in the past through performance or narcissism. Practicing vulnerability often means that you will have to get worse before you get better.
Neediness can only be cured through vulnerability
There are many ways to become more vulnerable: how to express yourself better through dress, through conversation, through humor, through your sexuality.You're going to come up with rationalizations about how you don’t really have to do, do you? How I don’t know what I’m talking about. How you’re too busy or you will get to it later. You plan ahead, procrastinate and then re-plan and then procrastinate again, and then decide you need to read this book a couple more times - all because you’re scared to death of simply being vulnerable.
Maybe you've already been through this. Maybe you've already spent months or years avoiding taking action because you’re afraid of the consequences. Maybe you’ve put off that career change, that wardrobe upgrade, joining that dating site. Maybe you’ve missed opportunities with women who liked you because you were too afraid to make a move. Maybe you convinced yourself that you needed to “know how” first. Maybe you convinced yourself that you needed to see someone else do it first.
These are all forms of avoidance. And they all come from a deep-seated neediness, and that neediness can only be cured through making yourself more vulnerable.
Change to be non-needy through vulnerability is worthwhile
What women want? What we all really want is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us, who we can share ourselves with and receive them in return.
Sharing yourself with someone doesn’t mean just physically occupying the same area. It doesn't mean exchanging facts with one another. It means opening up about your values, desires, feelings, and dreams. It means exposing your shame and insecurities and doubts and fears. It means living with somebody on an emotional plane, inhabiting that same heart-space together because that's the one thing we can’t ever achieve by ourselves.
When women emotionally connect with you and your desire for them, it's not what you're saying or the words you’re choosing, it’s the emotion behind those words. If the emotion behind your words is genuine and vulnerable, then it will turn your women on, even if you’re talking about your grocery list or how you named your dog.
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