Elie Wiesel’s famous quote, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference,” applies to big world problems as well as intimate problems in the aftermath of betrayal. Smart Rebuilders realize they must avoid difference if they hope to save their marriages. Strayers who show apathy toward their hurting spouses send a message, “You aren’t worth my effort.”
On the other hand, Successful Rebuilders roll up their sleeves, seek their own recovery, and initiate loving behaviors with their spouses despite their partner’s many tense reactions in the aftermath of affairs.
Successful Rebuilders pursue their spouses and are proactive about checking in on their emotional status.
Unsuccessful rebuilders avoid touchy subjects with their married partners in hopes they just magically “get over” the affair. Uninformed offenders mistakenly believe that talking about it only makes things worse, when just the opposite is true. Talking about it brings relief to an injured spouse.
The betrayal and all its aspects are constantly on the mind of the faithful spouse. In fact, nearly all betrayed spouses become obsessive for a season. It is a daily, hourly, and in the early months, a minute-by-minute battle for the wounded spouse to think about anything else. Painful associations often retraumatize the spouse, causing him/her to relive the shock of the affair over and over again.
Spouse’s fears put them in a heightened state of alert known as “hypervigilance,” with all sense wired to scan the environment for potential danger. He or she may be easily startled, visually stalk your every move, and interrogate you over calls to your cell phone. They are usually unable to drop their guard for fear another, horrifying piece of information might stab them at any moment. Informed Rebuilders know this is normal for faithful partners in recovery.
The bywords for healing hurtful triggers are ANTICIPATION and AWARENESS.
Successful Rebuilders assume their spouses are ceaselessly tormented by the hurts, memories, and imagined encounters between the betrayer and the lover. They don’t allow a day to go by without asking, “How are you doing today?” Or, “How are you feeling?” It is comforting when a Rebuilder recognizes that affair is perpetually on the mind of the betrayed.
Successful Rebuilders notice any sight, sound, smell, or word that might be painful for the wounded spouse. When a Rebuilder drives by a location knowingly visited by the betrayer and the affairee, a thoughtful Rebuilder will reach out and hold the partner’s hand, ask if that bothered him/her, and offer assurances of loving care for their pain.
When a movie that involves adultery comes on television, Rebuilders ask their spouses how the scene is affecting them. They ask if they need to change to another channel.
Whatever your opinions of disgraced pastor Ted Haggard, of New Life Church, he did several things right in the months that followed his public exposure in November of 2006. He lovingly told his wife, Gayle, “I am sad that I’ve destroyed something so precious... I don’t want you to be afraid. I want you to trust me again.” Ted often asked her, “What can I do to make you feel safe?” These are the words and attitudes of a sincere Rebuilder.
Awareness on the part of the betrayer reduces the weigt of the torment on the mind of the hurt spouse. Sharing the burden brings healing. The more alert and proactive the Rebuilder, the more relief for the tortured spouse and the sooner the obsessive thoughts will get under control and fade away.
When a Rebuilder is aware of the spouse’s preoccupation with what happend and demonstrates that he or she cares about the living hell this is for the spouse, the hurt partner feels comforted. This sensitivity is especially necessary when sexual relations resume in the marriage.
Hurt spouses often struggle with flashbacks and/or visualizations of their partners’ clandestine activities, particularly during intimate moments. Rebuilders patiently handle the sexual arena of their wounded marriages with extreme care. Gentle hugs and shared tears by unfaithful partners soften the sorrows within the hurt spouse and soothe the torment of intimate betrayal.
Successful Rebuilders realize that creating a sense of emotional safety is critical to the hurt partner’s willingness to resume sexual relations. While it is normal for either spouse to desire passionate sex in order to reconnect, lasting re-bonding takes time. Sex terapist, Kathleen Miller, recommends that betraying partners take this sexual reconnection very slowly. “It needs to feel good to the hurt spouse. The betrayed spouse needs to be in charge and the betrayer needs to abide by it.”
In counseling spouses with sexual wounds, Kathleen Miller advises couples to “not rush ahead of rebuilding the communication and affection. Waiting is all part of the restoring process.” If couples take things slowly, learning to use affirming words and gentle touches, they “can bring the ‘charge’ back to the sexual relationship.”
As a metaphor for setting the stage for good sex, Kathleen uses what she calls “The Frosting on the Cake Principle.” When you buy a box of cake mix, you don’t go home and immediately put frosting over the box. Neither do you put the box into a pre-heated oven. First, you open the box, pour the cake powder into a bowl. Then you add eggs, water, oil and blend the cake mixture together. Next, you pour the batter into a cake pan and put it in the oven to bake for a while. After the cake is fully cooked, you take it out of the oven to cool. Then you apply the frosting. Time, communication, slow touches and emotional safety are all needed in order to prepare the marriage for the “frosting” of sex.
Another way Successful Rebuilders bring healing to their hurt spouses is for them to reassure their their partners about their commitment to be faithful. They keep saying, “I love you” (without smothering) and, “I’m committed to you,” even when the hurt spouse doesn’t belive it. They shower the betrayed with tender words, thoughtful notes, and helpful acts — always respecting a partner’s space and pace. Smart Rebuilders offer loving gestures without strings attached.
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