Strong, healthy character is not an overnight accomplishment. It is the result of right thinking and behaving over a period of time. This next step is critical if you want your repair work to last.
Successful Rebuilders are committed to lifelong personal recovery and transparency.
Repentance and repairing the damage are only the beginning of undoing a mindset that supports sexual betrayal. Usually the seeds of unfaithfulness were sown during one’s early life and reinforced over many years. Here is a short list of dysfunctional beliefs that Successful Rebuilders seek to rid from their lives:
Deceitfulness (“What others don’t know won’t hurt them.” “It’s okay as long as I’m not caught.” “I know better than others, so I need to keep my cards close to my chest.” “It may be a grey area but it’s technically legal.”)
Attitudes of entitlement (“I deserve to satisfy my sexual and emotionaly needs any way I choose.” “I must fulfill myself sexually whenever I am aroused.” “I deserve to indulge myself in a little guilty pleasure. It won’t hurt anyone.” )
Poor coping skills (“When I’m stressed, sexual release or an emotional high is my solutions to help me avoid negative or uncomfortable feelings.”)
Pride (“I am invulnerable to temptation and above the foibles of other people. I can get close to the female without being burned, unlike those who are less educated or inferior to me.”)
Ability to rationalize (“If it feels good, it must be OK.” “It couldn’t be wrong if it feels so right.” “If I am feeling attracted to someone else, it means I must have married the wrong person.” )
Improperly handled anger (“when my spouse/life/God makes me mad, I need a sexual or romantic encounter to feel better.” “If someone hurts me, I am entitled to hurt them.”)
Self-pity (“I have spent my life living for everyone else. It’s my turn to take care of ME.” “Life isn’t fair! No one understands. I need to feel good, NOW.”)
Knee-jerk defensiveness and covering up the truth
(“I must hide what I do and cover my tracks in order to avoid exposure and shame.” “Telling the truth will only hurt the others.” “I can’t risk being found out. Others will reject or look down on me. That would be intolerable.”)
Smart Rebuilders learn to recognize these unhealthy attitudes and work hard to challenge and conquer them. The task of learning where these beliefs came from, why they are faulty, and how to avoid their tyranny is not a quick fix. Most unfaithful partners spent many years cultivating such harmful thinking to the point they’ve become deeply ingrained in their minds. It takes years of discipline retraining and spiritual growth to overcome the rationalizations that accompany affairs and to undo the power of their appeal.
Successful Rebuilders recognize the need to commit themselves to long-term recovery. Old habits die hard, and at the very least, create vulnerable soft spots in one’s armor. He or she needs the support and accountability of others who’ve been there. No more “Lone Ranger” living.
Successful Rebuilders relish the freedom that comes from living in the light — openly admitting their temptations, weaknesses, and struggles to others. Some call this a “confessional” lifestyle — no more secrets, no more false pride, no more assuming one is above sexual or romantic temptation. This may mean finding a counselor, a same-sex or safe confidante, a small group, a sponsor, or all of the above. Rebuilders recognize the need to adopt a code of honesty with their spouses and maintain healthy support networks for the rest of their lives.
As I said before, genuine, lasting recovery is not for the faint of heart. But the benefits of pursuing personal, relational and spiritual wholeness in your life will reverberate for generations.
“Love cures people — both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.” — Karl Menninger
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