Successful Rebuilders are sensitive to the extreme distrust they have caused within their partners and are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust.
When you stepped out of your marriage to meet your emotional and/or sexual urges, you violated the trust of your spouse to the depth of his/her being. Intimate betrayal ruins hurt partners’ beliefs about the relationship, and strips away their feelings of security in their partners’ love and commitment.
When a spouse’s secret affair comes to light, faithful partners feel devastated, shamed and riddled with doubts. They wonder why they were “not enough” for the wondering spouse. They question their worth, appeal, and even their own judgment. After all, the person they trusted most has become dangerous to their emotional health.
Based on the emotional and psychological dmage sustained by the wounded spouse, many experts consider infidelity a form of emotional abuse. And, when sexually transmitted diseases ar involved, unfaithful conduct becomes a type of physical abuse as well.
Intimate betrayal is a severe act of unlove. As a result, betrayed spouse’ prior beliefs about their partners are shaken to the core.
Hurt spouses interpret their partner’s affairs as value judgments against themselves. They feel undesirable, unwanted, demeaned, and disgraced in the worst ways.
In reality, most betrayers don’t consciously harbor thoughts of demolishing their partners’ self-esteems. They are usually so caught up with their exhilarating emotions that they actually think little about the impact of their actions upon their spouses. They are self-absorbed, cocooned in their fantasy worlds with their lovers. Along with obsessing about their affair partners, most strayers spend a lot of mental energy on efforts to cover their tracks, justify their affairs, and quash their guilt.
Once discovered, unsuccessful rebuilders try to “explain” their faithless actions to their spouses. They mistakenly believe that if their partners understood their intentions, everything would be OK. They say things like, “Well, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” This approach never works. The fact is they DID hurt the faithful spouse, whether that was foremost in their minds or not. And the very fact that the spouse was NOT on the betrayer’s mind during the affair, only makes matters worse.
In light of how profoundly an affair destroys a partner’s sense of emotional security, Succussful Rebuilders are willing to take the time necessary to rebuild their spouses’ fractured trust and bolster their partners’ sense of value and worth. They understand that their season of sexual secrecy must be counterbalanced by lifelong openness,honesty and affirmation.
In order to repair their credibility, Rebuilders choose to become completely transparent and answerable to the betrayed spouse. No secret passwords or e-mail accounts. No hidden cell-phone bills or texts. No unknown post-office boxes.
Successful Rebuilders work to create an atmosphere of openness and psychological safety for their faithful spouses. This may include allowing the betrayed spouse to install porn blockers on the computer or producing all past and current cellphone bills.
Successful Rebuilders frequently check-in by telephone with their spouses and leave no room for unexplained late arrivals home. They don’t put up walls then asked about their whereabouts. In fact, they feel bad that their spouses even had to ask, as they know they should have let their partners know their whereabouts ahead of time.
Smart Rebuilders are not offended when their spouses are suspicious of skeptical of them. They know how severely they have violated the privacy of their marriagesand willingly give up their rights to privacy from their betrayed partners. In essence, they allow themselves to be open books in whatever ways their spouses deem necessary.
Successful Rebuilders readily volunteer information as to their current whereabouts and activities. They are up front about accidental or potential contacts with the other person. They recognize that wounded partners feel humiliated when they have to ask for information. Rebuilders don’t leave their spouses in the dark, on edge, wondering what is going on. They are transparent and unguarded.
These new behaviors send a healing message: “You matter to me. I care about how deeply I have violated your trust. I owe it to you to compensate for my dishonesty, my disregard for your feelings, and my harm to your sense of worth. I will do whatever you need in order to regain your confidence.”
Successful Rebuilders know this level of intense accountability must be sustained long enough for their betrayed spouses to regain their equilibrium. And, while a partner’s trust may be eventually restored and the constant “reporting in” will relax in time, Rebuilders know they can never return to a life of secrecy or flirting with the opposite sex again.
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