Successful Rebuilders don't evade questions when asked. They don't hide information or spend energy on damage control. They are forthcoming, honest, contrite. And, if they do lapse into a cover-up of some kind (usually from the fear of hurting the betrayed spouse), they confess it immediately without waiting to be “caught” or interrogated. Successful Rebuilders recognize that the painful truth is far less damaging than more lies.
If the former lover contacts the betrayer (by e-mail, texting, voice message, or uaccidental ruins?, Rebuilders do their best to avoid the entanglement and immediately tell the faithful spouse about the incident.
NO MORE LIES! Each additional lie after the original disclosure systematically undermines the efforts to rebuild trust. Successful Rebuilders come clean and stay clean.
It usually takes two years from the last lie to see light at the end of the tunnel in terms of recovery. Strayers need to know that follow-up lies and “slipups” are so damaging, they often seal the fate of the marriage in stone.
One or two lapses are pretty normal in the aftermath of an affair. But the betrayer needs to do his or her best to avoid them. Some hurt partners have enough resilience to recognize that pulling out of an affair can be a rather jagged process. Yet other faithful partners are so davasted, that oen slipup can crush any chances of restoring trust and will doom the marriage.
On the other hand, when a betraying spouse continues to hide the truth — such as evading or flatly denying certain questions when the spouse is pretty sure “there’s more” to the story — it only fosters distrust. Holding back important facts (such as start dates and end dates) in order to avoid upsetting the partner will only make matters worse. Betrayed spouses have the right to know the truth and have their intuitions validated before they can or ought to trust again.
Such hiding not only re-injures the faithful spouse’s trust, it reinforces the strayer’s belief that he/she can lie and get away with it. The refusal to totally come clean is harmful to the betrayer’s own recovery. Strayers who reserve the right to withhold information for self-protection usually fall into secret-keeping again. Soon enough, they fool themselves into thinking they can dabble in their extra-marital activities “just a little more” without harm. And the cycle of betrayal keeps going.
Consider successful Rebuilder, Dick Brzeczek’s approach, as recorded by his wife, Liz, “No matter how intimate the question, no matter how probing, Dick held absolutely nothing back. By answering all of my questions, by not being evasive, Dick showed he truly cared about me and our marriage... If Dick had been evasive or tried to discourage my questions about his affair, it would have perpetuated my distrust and fear and totally killed whatever chance our marriage had. But he didn’t.”
When a betrayer picks and chooses which questions he/she is willing to answer, it is a sign of arrogance; that the strayer thinks he/she knows best what is “enough” for the spouse to know. Such avoidance interferes with the process necessary for true recovery, for the betrayers, the faithful spouse, and ultimately, the marriage. Hiding begets more hiding. Lying begets more lying. As author/speaker John Bradshaw says, “We are as sick as our secrets.”
But what about certain salacious details? Like sexual positions or recounting one’s fantasies during encounters with the affairee? It is recommended that Rebuilders always share the basics, but kindly ask an inquisitive spouse if sharing such intricasies will help them or hurt them. Successful rebuilders show concern about planting disgusting images in their partner’s minds, without hiding pertinent facts from a selfish motive. Rebuilders need to answer all questions necessary for piecing together what occurred (who,what,where,when,how and why), without unnecessarily contaminating their spouses’ imaginations with shameful details.
Sometimes in-depth confessions are best done in a therapist’s office, guided by a skilled sex addictions specialist. This is especially true when compulsive sexual activities are involed, such as multiple visits with prostitutes. Certified Sex Addiction Therapists have special training to structure confessions in ways that can reduce the traumatic impact on betrayed spouses.
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