The most important quality that an unfaithful spouse needs in order to successfully regain their offended partner’s trust, is that the betrayer "gets it".
"Getting it" means that straying spouses understand the wrongness of their behaviors and the depth of the pain they have caused their spouses. Rebuilders need to effectively renounce their old behaviors and develop a keen sense of what it must be like to be in their partners' shoes. Content in this aspect initially explored is as below:
• typical roadblocks to getting it?
• examples of high profile people who didn’t get it? So you can see what you want to avoid in your own life
• underlying attitudes adopted by Successful Rebuilders who manage to repair their marriages
When most of us do something wrong and hurtful to others, we are far more conscious of our own guilt, shame, and pain than of the damage we've inflicted upon those close to us. It is human nature to be over aware of our own suffering and under aware of the suffering we have caused others. Most couples who come to my office for counseling tend to see the relationship problem lame ratio as 90 percent the partner fault and 10 percent their own. I tell such couples, ''If each of you work on your 10 percent, your partner will experience it as you working on your 90 percent?
Betrayers often feel so much guilt and shame over being found out, they fail to grasp the magnitude of their offenses and the far-reaching impact of their actions on others. To family members, it often appears that straying persons are only sorry for being caught but not sorry for what they are done.
Common complaints I hear from betrayed spouses are: he is clueless; And he doesn’t get it;He is in La-La land;He doesn’t understand; He is so defensive and he thinks I should be over it by now. Can you believe it? and he only feels sorry for himself and hasn’t a clue about what this has done to me?
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