The next step broadens the efforts that Rebuilders need to make if they want to bring healing to their families.
Successful Rebuilders recognize the impact and damage of parental affairs upon their children and seek to make amends.
One of the most common complaints I hear from wounded spouse is how clueless the unfaithful spouse is about their children’s feelings. I am always amazed at betrayers’ convoluted rationalizations regarding their children: “Oh, kids are resilient.” “They’ll get over it.” “It’s none of their business.”
Children, whatever age, are very attuned to what is going on in the home, as they have a huge need to feel that their family is a secure, safe haven. Hopefully, post-affair, the children have been told only bare-bones facts about the affair or marital distress in an age-appropriate way. Yet, couples need to keep in mind that children pick up more emotional data than most parents realize.
Successful Rebuilders are cognizant of the poor model they have been to their children and the damage they have caused their families. Rebuilders acknowledge the ways they have lost their children’s respect and shaken these sense of security. They reach out to their children with much remorse, admit how wrong they were and work hard to re-establish their children’s confidence that they will not abandon the family. They hug their children often. They check in with them as to how they are doing. They reassure their children about their love and commitment to the other parent. They make a concerted effort to be emotionally engaged with their kids in ways they failed to do when they were preoccupied with the affair or sexual acting out.
Successful Rebuilders see their moral lapses as foolish and never make excuses for their affairs. Instead, they profusely apologize to their young and/or adult children for betraying their other parent and for letting them down. They show appropriate shame and remorse, without manipulating their children to feel sorry for them. Successful Rebuilders follow up their words with faithful actions. They periodically connect one-on-one with each child to find out how they are feeling about all that has gone on, rather than maintain a code of silence.
Successful Rebuilders also realize that as bad as it is for children to witness a parent’s failure, there is great value in seeing a parent do a u-turn and work hard to repair the harm they have caused. Sincere Rebuilders see this as an opportunity to model repentance, genuine apologies, and accepting approapriate blame for wrongs. They seek to demonstrate what it means to be humble, loving persons. Rebuilders realize that kids need to see that it is possible for someone to recover from a moral breakdown and embrace second chances in life.
Our personal failures can become tremendous lessons for our children and adult children when we have the courage to stick around and do the hard work of repair. But when we refuse to face the truth and run away instead, we lose our moral authority, teach our children to rationalize wrong-doing, and promote avoidance as the way to cope with life difficulties.
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