When the knowledge of infidelity slams into a marriage, unsuspecting spouses feel shattered on many levels. They question their own perceptions about the world, what is real, and who they can trust. Up feels like down and down feels like up. Reminders of the affair traumatize them over and over again, much like revisiting the scene of a car accident where a loved one has died.
Intimate betrayal robs faithful spouses of many core aspects of their marriages. Their sense of safety, specialness, value, exclusivivity, and trust are wiped out in a flash. Reminders of these losses reinjure betrayed spouses, over and over again. Certain objects, locations, or events associated with the affair tend to trigger feeling of intense pain, fear, dread, and/or aversion within the hurt spouse — often for many years.
Successful Rebuilders respect the sensitivities and “triggers” of the hurt spouse.
Successful rebuilders realize that anything associated with the affair will be a source of pain to the wounded spouse, so they allow the partner to choose what to do about such reminders. If ilicit sex or affection occurred on the marital bed, the hurt spouse may ask to burn or throw away the bedding or even get rid of the bed. Smart Rebuilders will not object.
If a hurt spouse has to work hard to convince the betrayer that certain objects or places are simply too painful to deal with, further wounding occurs. The betrayer’s objections to the faithful partner’s sensitivities only make the hurt spouse feel misunderstood, further diminished, and as if their feelings are not taken seriously.
Successful rebuilders allow their wounded spouses to decide how to deal with certain posessions, activities, or places associated with the affair. They also find ways to offer restitution for the money spent on the lover in terms of gifts, lavish hotels, or expenseive meals.
When a Rebuilder is willing to do whatever it takes — a move, a job change, switching athletic clubs, selling a car, compensate for money spent, or go to great lengths to create distance from the lover — the hurt spouse feels respected, cherished and cared for.
Betrayers have robbed the spouse and the marriage of far more than they can comprehend. When a Rebuilder is willing to get rid of material posessions associated with the affair, the wounded spouse receives this as a token of goodwill. It is a tangible way for Rebuilders to show concern for the partner’s agony and the need to heal. While nothing trumps the need for emotional support, a Smart Rebuilder is willing to sacrifice “things” in order to pursue the higher value of relational and emotional healing.
Along with decisions about places and thing, Successful Rebuilders respect their partner’s choices about people associated with the affair. Many spouses feel the need to avoid or possibly confront persons who supported the affair. Offended spouses view friends or relatives who went along with the unfaithful relationship as unsafe. In fact, they are often perceived as enemies of the marriage. In order for hurt spouses to feel comfortable being around people who cooperated with the affair, they may feel the need to have heart-to-heart talks with them, like, “I was hurt and offended by your support of my spouse’s affair.”
Other times the hurt spouse may want the betrayer to have a “corrective talk” with friends, family, or associates who seemed to condone the affair. Similar to the final communication with the affair partner, a “corrective talk” with condoing friends, coworkers, or relatives needs to include:
-The strayer’s regret.
-Admitting the affair was wrong.
-Declaring one’s love for and commitment to the spouse.
-Asking for a show of support for the marriage.
And making it clear that if the friend endorses infidelity or closely associates with the former lover, he or she will be considered a threat to the marriage and not welcome in the couple’s lives.
If such a talk would not be wise or feasible or if the friend is unreceptive, then the betrayer and the hurt spouse simply need to avoid those who overtly or covertly backed the affair.
Successful Rebuilders do not force their hurt partners to socialize with people who are not “friends of the marriage.” Nor should hurt spouses be left at home worried sick because the unfaithful partner is hanging out with friends of dubious reputation or values. Friends who put their stamp of approval on the affair need to be seen as dangerous to the health of the marriage. Much like a drug addict needs to let go of his drug-using friends if he wants to recover, Successful Rebuilders clear friends out of their lives who endorse affairs.
Successful Rebuilders see these sacrifices as opportunities to demonstrate the sincerity of their sorrow, suffer a degree of penance for their wrongs, and a chance to offer restitution for what was stolen from the marriage. When Rebuilders show humble respect for the betrayed partner’s feelings, they make much-needed deposits of love in the offended spouse’s heart. These efforts dramatically aid in healing the relationship.
One situation that severely complicates recovery is if both partners have been unfaithful at one time or another. Such couples tend to trigger each other. This is especially truen when one member is trying to convince the other that his/her pain is worse than the other’s, or that the other person’s misdeeds were more dastardly than his/her own. Both people end up feeling deeply misunderstood and alienated.
In such cases, I try to get them to agree to two rules:
-No comparisons allowed.
-One person’s hurt gets processed at a time.
Betrayal is betrayal. Each person has legitimate hurts. It is important that both people get the chance to be comforted and apologized to by the other betraying spouse. This means each partner taking turns to listen, soothe, and reassure the other, saving his/her own hurts for another discussion.
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