Before marriage, two people in a relationship always tend to anticipate too much and have a high level of sexual attraction for each other. Both always anticipate that their marriage would be heaven for both of them. However, after wedding, they may discover that what is heavenly for one may be hell for the other due to differences between males and females from both physical perspective and psychological perspective.
No one told me that males and females are different. To be sure, I knew the obvious physiological differences, but I knew almost nothing about female sexuality. I thought she would enjoy it as much as I did; that she would want to do it as often as I did; and that what pleasured me would also pleasure her. I repeat: I knew almost nothing about female sexuality. And I discovered that she knew little about male sexuality.
Had I done any reading on the topic, I would have discovered that the ancient Hebrew scriptures were correct when they I suggested that it would take one year for the newly married couple to learn how to have mutual sexual satisfaction.- Again, I had been blindsided by my lack of information.
First, while men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationship. If the relationship has been fractured by harsh words or irresponsible behavior, the female will find it very hard to be interested in sex. To her, sex is an intimate act and grows out of a loving relationship. Ironically, men often think that sexual intercourse will solve whatever relationship problems may exist. One wife said, he speaks to me with intense anger. Thirty minutes later, he says he is sorry and asks me if we can make love. He says, "Let me show you how much I love you. He thinks that having sex will make everything right. Well, he’s wrong. I can’t have sex with a man who has verbally abused me.”For a husband to expect his wife to warm up to a sexual experience after there’s been an altercation in their relationship is to expect the impossible. Sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness must precede the experience of "making love".
"If I had known that taking out the garbage was sexy for my wife, I would have been taking out the garbage twice a day." Another way of expressing this reality is that for women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. If he speaks her love language in the kitchen, she is far more open to having sex when they reach the bedroom. If her love language is acts of service, then washing dishes and taking out the garbage may be a sexual turn-on for her. I remember the husband who said to me, “If I had known that taking out the garbage was sexy for my wife, I would have been taking out the garbage twice a day. No one ever told me that.” On the other hand, if words of affirmation is her love language, then complimenting her on a meal or on how beautiful she looks will stir inside of her the desire to be sexually intimate with him. The same principle is true whatever the love language of your spouse. While a husband may have a satisfying sexual experience with his wife even when his love tank is not full, the wife would find that extremely difficult.
Second, to the wife, foreplay is more important than the actual act of intercourse itself. While women like to simmer, men tend to reach the boiling point much faster. It is the tender touches and kisses of foreplay that bring her to the point of desiring intercourse. If the husband rushes to the finish line, she is left feeling, "What was supposed to be so special about this?” Without sufficient foreplay, the wife will often feel violated. One wife said, I want to feel loved. All he is interested in is having intercourse."
Third, mutual sexual satisfaction does not require simultaneous climax. Largely because of modern movies, many couples enter marriage with the idea that "every time we have intercourse, we will have simultaneous climax and it will be heaven for both of us.” The fact is, seldom do couples have a simultaneous climax or orgasm. What is important is that each of you experiences the pleasure of climax or orgasm. Such pleasure does not have to come simultaneously. In fact, many wives indicate that they much prefer to reach orgasm as a part of foreplay. When his stimulation of the clitoris gives her the pleasure of orgasm, she is now ready for him to complete the act of intercourse and experience the pleasure of climax. The unrealistic expectation of simultaneous climax has produced unnecessary anxiety for many couples.
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