Qualities of Successful Rebuilders: Getting it(2)

Author Linda J. MacDonald From How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair 6 years ago 11605

Getting the wrongness of their behaviors.


Most betrayers only begin to comprehend the true nature of their behaviors after they are discovered by the offended. Upon exposure, unfaithful persons naturally want to run and hide or minimize their actions.


Unlike their failing counterparts, Successful Rebuilders muster the courage to identify their hurtful behaviors for what they are: severe violations of their marriages and of their partners' trust. They do not refer to their misbehaviors as mere friendships,warmless dalliances or getting a little on the side.They name these acts for what they are: unfaithfulness, adultery, infidelity, sex addiction, breaking their vows, betrayal, lying, deceitfulness, and whatever else is appropriate.

Successful Rebuilders remember that if they ever hope to obtain their hurt spouses' forgiveness (or, at least help them come to terms with the affair), they must own up to their wrongs. They need to name them for what they are and avoid excusing their extra-maritalliasons. Those who minimize their faithless acts only magnify their partners gony.


Getting the depth of the pain.

Another challenge for strayers is their lack of understanding the depth of the injuries they have inflicted on their spouses. They frequently struggle finding empathy for their offended partners for three main reasons:


• the ego boost from feeling wanted by the lover

• the unfair contrast between the affair partner and the wounded spouse

• the tendency to be emotionally self-consumed


Ego Boost.

Most persons who recently engaged in affairs had their self-esteems stroked by their lovers. In the affairees eyes, the betrayer looks perfect. Dr. Glass calls this is the positive mirroring of the self- Strayers, despite their conflicted consciences, generally feel uplifted by the sizzle of fresh love. They have pursued a baggage-free relationship and indulged in sexual or romantic fantasies without the ordinary burdens of a real life marriage. Their lovers make them feel appealing, desirable, and highly esteemed in their secret affair bubble. It is difficult for the disloyal to drum up empathy for faithful partners when the acts that hurt their spouses felt so good.


Unfair Contrast.

To add to the confusion, idealized affairees have distinct advantages over the legitimate spouse. They have interacted with the betrayer in artificial situations, with their best feet forward. Dressed nice for work. Free from crying babies and dirty laundry. Paramours's esteems have been bolstered by the spark of romantic attention, in contrast to the diminished self-worth of neglected, faithful spouses.


Innocent spouses often feel discouraged by their partners in attention long before the affair is consciously known. And when they finally learn of the affair, their self-esteems are crushed. They feel shell-shocked, shamed, and rejected.


The blow of intimate betrayal assaults a spouse’s self-worth like few other human experiences. Hurt partners are frequently traumatized to the point they can hardly think straight. They usually behave in un-characteristic and unattractive ways, making them rather unpleasant to contend with. They may act desperate, irrational, angry, paranoid, and shaken. They sometimes cry easily or scream words you are never heard them use before.


If strayers remain detached and ambivalent, they worsen the partner’s insecurities which only increases the craziness at home. When hurt spouses have difficulty regaining their composures, rather than feel compassion, short-sighted betrayers tend to view their zombied spouses with disdain.


In my observation, it takes time for the elevated view of the lover to fade from theunfaithful person mind. But once it does - whether the betrayer stays with his/her spouse or takes off with the affair partner own the road, the untrust worthiness and faults of the paramour usually outrank the perceived imperfections of the original spouse; much to the offender's regret.



A third complication that interferes with betrayers getting the profundity of their hurtful behaviors, is their own inner turmoil. Those who step out of their marriages are usually only thinking about themselves. They are emotionally self-consumed and act as though, “it’s all about me.”

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