Laws are rules for society. There are rules for board games. There are ways to resolve conflict. The general goal of a fair discussion should be to better undersand one another and to collaboratively confirm a solution catering the conflict. Resolving conflicts and fights can finally lead to build trust and intimacy. However, actually many couples are good at raising conflicts but don't know how to solve them reasonably or just complain about them without taking any actions.Take the following two couples' conflicts as example.
Sticks and Stones - Denise & Louie
Denise usually forget her keys somewhere or get the keys lost. Then she always had to call her husband louie and leave work to let her into the house or car. While for Louie, instead of finding the keys, he would then complain that Denise is "so stupid" like a hog. Denise would feel humiliated afterwards, and would begin to even believe some of the names Louie called her. Needless to say, Denise avoided any and all conflict with her husband.
“All don't understand why Denise is so stupid. Nobody forget their keys more than her. What an idiot!"
“I can't believe I forgot my keys again. Maybe Louie’s right, maybe I am stupid.”
Deflecting - Isabella & Rory
Isabella and Rory usually quarrel with each other about where to spend their holidays. Isabella always want to go to visit her parents while Rory prefered to mix it up and share time. But Isabella usually doesn't want to make a compromise. Rory would tell Isabella that it was unreasonable not to find some way to share the holidays. Instead of discussing the issue, Isabella began to blame other people for random issues in order to deflect the conversation.
“Isabella, we can switch off holidays, or try to make it to both our families’ houses each holiday. I don’t understand why we can't figure out a fair way to go about this.”
“Rory, I don't think it’s unreasonable to have holidays at my parents' house every year. Besides, last year your mom's thanksgiving banquet isn't delicious. And one time, your cousin said something mean to me. And your sister's dog just kept barking...”
Secret: conflicts and fights can actually lead to building trust and intimacy.
Rules as below shall be followed if you want the conflicts be friendly resolved.
• Choose a good time and place to discuss the conflict. Don't do it when you have a lot of distractions, or limited time. Don't do it when either partner is hungry or tired.
• Resolve conflict by taking one issue at a time. Don't try to tackle too many disputes, and do allow yourself or your partner to bring up other issues to avoid addressing the first matter.
• Take turns talking and listening. As a general rule, one spouse should talk one-third of time, the other spouse another third of time, and speak together the final third for conversation. This may differ based upon individual personalities, but each partner is validate each other by speaking and listening.
• Be as calm as possible and avoid sarcasm and sarcastic tones.
• Focus on the problem, not on your spouse. For example, if the problem has to deal with money, focus on how the two of you can make the household budget go further, as opposed to focusing on the other spouse.
• Don't assume your partner's intentions. Assuming the motives behind your partner's words or behaviors can escalate emotions. Don't put words in your partner's mouth.
• Listen, and repeat what your partner said so that he or she understands that you heard what they had to say. This is called active listening. Bempathetic to your partner while he or she shares their concerns and feelings, and be appreciative that they are being vulnerable with you.
•Be sure to use loving physical touch (holding hands, hug, kiss, etc.) after the conflict is resolved.
•Never tolerate physical abuse. Be open and honest with each other, listen to each other, and empathize with each other can help to build trust and emotional intimacy.
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