This means no excuses or shifting blame onto the faithful spouse. Rebuilders get help (such as conseling, a recovery group, and/or mentoring) so they can overcome their rationalizations for the affair. They seek to undo all the lies they told themselves for “permission” to be unfaithful. From self-pity to their spouse’s imperfections, they realize no excuse justifies intimate betrayal. Successful rebuilders acknowledge the fact that no one “made” them get involved with someone else. They accept full responsibility for crossing the lines that led up to their affairs.
Successful rebuilders seek professional help to expore recent stressors as well as childhood experiences that may have predisposed them so sexually act out.
Common predisposing factors may include:
• A recent death in the family
• A job demotion or promotion
• The recent birth of a child
• An overly child-centered marriage
• A lack of emotional needs met in childhood
• Abandonment by a parent
• Being indulged by a doting parent (cultivates a sense of entitlement)
• A parent confiding in the child as a peer or surrogate spouse
• Unresolved childhood or trauma or grief
• Prematurely being forced to be an “adult”
• Learning to compartmentalize feelings in order to cope with the pain of childhood abuse
• Having a parent who justified his or her own infidelity
• Negative attitutes by a parent toward members of the opposite sex
• Early exposure to pornography or sexually explicit media
• Being sexually molested
• Being raised by a parent who is mentally ill or unstable
• Parental addiction to any substance or activity
Besides examing and processing wounds from the past, Successful rebuilders let go of the dream that some all-giving fairy God-mother or Prince Charming is going to swoop down and meet their need to feel more “whole”. Rebuilders recognize that a real or imagined lover, substance, or compulsive activity cannot fill the longings that spring from emptiness of soul. Only God can fill that hole, and even then, healing is a cooperative effort between self, God, and a band of supportive people. Spiritual growth and emotional maturity require time, self-reflection and effort.
Rebuilders seek to let go of their resentments toward parents, partners, life or God in order to find spiritual and emotional peace.
In summary, smart rebuilders do not minimize the impact of their actions. They face the ways they have hurt family members and accept responsibility for inviting negative or angry responses from their spouses. They retrace their steps to better understand their choices. They recognize the selfishness of their thinking and actions. They know they broke their marriage vows and freely admit this to their spouses.
Successful rebuilders stop fooling themselves or trying to fool others. They see all romantic encounters outside the marriage as acts of unfaithfulness - flirting, pornograhy, kissing, fondling, online sex - chat rooms, secret communications, confiding personal information about the marriage, sneaking around, and so on. They do not excuse these behaviors on the basis they were not technically intercourse. They do not parse words to minimize their offenses. Successful rebuilders fess up to their offenses with courage and demonstrate a desire to restore their integrity and their partners’ trust at any cost.
When betrayers own up to their misdeeds and show compassion towards those they have harmed, hurt spouses begin to relax and gradually lose the need to remind unfaithful partners about their hurtful actions.
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