Betrayers getting the profundity of their hurtful behaviors for the family, they will complicate their own inner turmoil. Those who step out of their marriages are usually only thinking about themselves.
After discovery, straying spouses typically continue the habit of thinking only of themselves and their tumultuous emotions. Here are a few of their struggles:
• They are confused about what to do after being found out.
• They feel bad about being caught and guilty for what they are done.
• They fear facing the fallout of their behaviors, especially others' disapproval of them.
• They are commonly so absorbed with efforts at damage control and feeling sorry for themselves that they lack the ability to feel sympathy for their shattered family members.
Each of these factors stroked ego, the idealized affair partner, the unappealing disposition of betrayed spouses, and the tortured emotions of the strayer interfere with unfaithful partners' abilities to understand and empathize with their injured spouses.
Despite these challenges, Successful Rebuilders realize their aggrieved spouses are in completely different emotional states than they are. While the betrayer esteem has been built up, the faithful partner’s sense of worth has been undermined. So, rather than gloat over feeling desired by two lovers, or wallow in self-pity over their sorry plights, Rebuilders are humbled and concerned about the calamities they are brought upon their faithful partners.
Successful Rebuilders realize that the reason for their spouses current lackluster appeal is usually the betrayer own fault. They know that their harmful acts before, during, and after the affair ave demoralized their wounded partners. They accept responsibility for this and recognize that their selfish entanglements have stolen their spouses sense of security, value, and emotional safety. Rebuilders say to themselves, No wonder my spouse is moody, tearful, and insecure. I did this to him/her.
When Successful rebuilders understand that their lies and betrayals are the source of their partners extreme reactions, they feel less defensive and more compassionate toward their hurt spouses.
Let's look at a few public examples of those who failed to get it?
Do you remember former President Clinton weak apologies? His lack of contrition? His initial attempts to evade the truth through being technically correct ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Did you hear his later admissions of wrongdoing and get the feeling something was missing (at that time)?
And what about presidential hopeful, John Edwards? Can you imagine the pain his wife experienced with his repeated efforts to cover up his affair and love child while asking her to support his bid for the highest office in the land? All while she battled a recurrence of her cancer? Mr. Edward’s ability to convince his wife and his staff to go along with his shenanigans is a prime example of charm-gone-bad.
And did you watch the televised admissions of Governor Mark Sanford? Did you wince like I did when he made his meandering confession, clueless as to the ways his bungled words would impact his wife and children?
The missing piece in each of the above examples was the sense that they got it”-that they grasped the seriousness of their betrayals on their families and the additional damage from the lies they said to cover them up.
The most important quality of Successful Rebuilders is their sympathetic awareness of the harm they've caused others, even more than themselves.
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