What arouses people on a fundamental level, and how can you make people feel aroused by you and attracted to you?
The good news is that it’s easier than you might think. It's most created by subconscious signals and analysis. This is bad news if you don’t quite know what those underlying processes are.
Let's start with one of the most interesting theories of arousal - the misattribution of arousal theory.
The misattribution of arousal is the proposition that people aren’t necessarily aroused by what’s in front of them. Instead, for one reason or another, they enter a state of physical arousal first, and then attribute the cause of that arousal to something in their environment or context. They make an assumption that because they are physically aroused in the presence of their partner, for example, that their partner was the one arousing them. That sounds reasonable enough.
Why is this called the misattribution of arousal theory? It's because we aren't always correct about what turns us on and gets us physically aroused.
In 1974, Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron tested this theory by having two groups of men interact with an attractive female immediately after crossing a bridge. In one group the bridge was relatively unstable and scary and the other group's bridge was stable and secure. The attractive female gave her phone number to each and every participant. So what ended up happening?
The men in the first group, the scary bridge group, were twice as likely to call the attractive female and ask her on a date after the study was over.
What accounted for this massive difference? That’s where the misattribution of arousal comes in. The males in the scary bridge group were already aroused when they met and spoke with the attractive female. As a result, they contacted the female because they misattributed their arousal to the female, and not the scary bridge they had just crossed. In other words, they believed they were feeling sexual arousal from the female instead of plain old physiological arousal from the fear of the bridge.
The more physically anxious, excited, and even fearful you are, no matter the cause, the more attractive and arousing you will find the people near you because of the misattribution of arousal theory. Here, the scary bridge physically aroused the men in that group and pumped up their adrenaline and bodily functions in a way similar to when we are sexually aroused.
This certainly happens more than you might think. People misattribute physiological arousal to sexual attraction all the time. Many even do it by instinct.
For example, have you ever taken a date, or been taken, on a roller coaster, flying, or something else that’s rilling over a dinner date? Even a scary movie qualifies re. If you have, or if you've heard this advice parroted sound; it’s because it takes advantage of the misattribution of arousal theory. Your date gets physiologically aroused and excited by the roller coaster or scary movie, grabs your hand out of fear, then attributes the butterflies in his or her stomach to you and not the triplefaced ghost on the movie screen.
It’s also what dating reality shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette use in spades. They’ll send their contestants out on thrilling and dangerous dates like sky diving or deep ocean shark-fighting. How can you expect sparks not to fly after that due to this theory? It's a nobrainer if you want to instantly create attraction.
Though arousal is universal in some ways, it can also be incredibly nuanced. There is a very marked gender difference in the basics of arousal - the hows and whys, even.
Researcher and author Emily Nagoski discovered through various studies that men are spontaneously aroused/ while women become aroused in response to something.
On a simple level, it means that men spontaneously have the desire to have sex, and women have that same desire only in response to that man. This is the cause of what many couples consider mismatched libidos - the man will be the only one to initiate sex, while the woman may be happy to have it; but will never outwardly show signs of desire and lust.
This commonly causes men to feel unwanted and ne-glected, but it's a matter of adjusting expectations because women don't function in the same spontaneous manner. In fact, Nagoski estimated that up to one third of women have primarily responsive sexual arousal, where the vast majority of men have primarily spontaneous sexual arousal.
How can we bridge the gap here? It’s the knowledge that women need to be aroused first before they want to have sex, while men continually just want sex. Men: you have to seduce women first, turning them on; women are looking for cues from you. Women, don't feel guilty or shamed if you have been told you have a low sex drive or libido. You just have responsive sexual arousal, and your partner needs to break the ice a little bit more first.
Recent studies published in the sexology journal of Archives of Sexual Behavior confirm the assertion that women need to be outwardly desired more than men before they feel aroused themselves.
The studies found that a major part of female sexual arousal and fantasies was perceiving themselves to be desirable, inexistible, and like men couldn't control themselves around them. If a woman perceives herself to be the object of desire, lust, and affection, then her sexual arousal and appetite are generally higher than if not.
That certainly adds fuel to the fire that women are more responsive and dependent on signals from their partner in order to feel attractive and sexually aroused. I hope the men reading are paying attention here. Women won’t typically be the ones to spontaneously come behind you and start copping a feel, but they won’t mind if you do (if you have previous signs of consent and attraction). And if you do it consistently and enough in a "Way that they like, you’ll be able to have more consistently because you are catering to their responsive sense of sexual arousal.
It shouldn’t be surprising to anyone that body language can be a huge arousing factor, but the research shows that the type of body language that is attractive and arousing isn't what you might think it is.
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