Do you need a reset button for your sex life?
The emphasis during this first week of our challenge is to start seeing sex in a new way. Next week we'll turn to how to have more fun as a couple, but this week we’re laying down the fundamentals becoming affectionate again, getting rid of the lies we believe, dealing with our insecurities, seeing our spouses in a different light and embracing a new identity.
Sometimes, though, that’s not enough. Some of us have trunkloads of sexual baggage—whether it's lies that we've believed, or abuse that we've suffered, or even things that we've done that we're not proud of. Maybe we had some sexual partners before we were married, and we wish we could get them out of our heads. Maybe at one point one or both of you were into pom. Maybe you even have a hard time getting over what you know your spouse did before you were married.
Today we're going to symbolically hit the reset button on our sex Ufe. What went on before doesn't matter.
Embrace Your New identity
In Genesis 3:24 God said, “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” When you’re married, you became something new. What happened before does not matter; you are a new identity together now.
This can be difficult to accept, especially if you have been really hurt sexually in the past through abuse or sexual assault. For many people, sex seems dirty, and seeing it as
beautiful and new seems insurmountable. But
I do not believe that God wants you to allow that person,or persons, to rob you of the abundant life and abundant marriage He has prepared for you. He wants you to achieve healing! So pray with your spouse that you can see sex as very different today than it was then. Make an appointment to talk to a counseJor or a pastor if this is a longstanding problem, because we aren't meant to deal with everything alone.
Forgive Each Other
Sometimes, though, our problems don't predate marriage. We messed up after we talked down the aisle Perhaps it's as damaging as an affair, or perhaps it's dabbling in pornography. These things break trust horribly with a spouse, and make intimacy so much more difficult to obtain.
You must deal with these things honestly, and that includes putting some accountability in place. It is not just enough to say, for instance, “I used to use porn a lot, but I promise not to again, just please don't tell anyone else about it.” If you are truly sorry, then you will get accountability.
We are not meant to struggle through this life alone. And if you have been tempted by porn, or an emotional affair, or an actual affair, you need a same-sex accountability partner. You don't have to tell everyone under the sun, but telling one person is a way to show your spouse that you're serious about moving on and changing.
Once you've done this, however, the ball is now in your spouse's court. If your husband or wife has broken trust, at some point you will have to forgive, or you cannot move on. There really is nothing that he or she can do to make it up to you. It’s not fair, but that's how it is. And so Jesus asks, “can you let me pay the price instead?” You will never achieve true intimacy until you also extend forgiveness. Once your spouse has set up accountability systems, it is now up to you to forgive and move on.
Take Every Thought Captive
We don’t have to entertain every thought that comes into our heads. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ!' When you have a thought, take it out, examine it, and then dismiss it if it doesn’t line up with truth.
So if you're haunted by memories of abuse, learn to take those thoughts out and reject them. If you're haunted by thoughts of what your spouse has done, learn how to throw them out, too. You don't have to rehash everything multiple times. And that also means that you don't need to know in detail everything your spouse did, either. Asking for specifics so that you have more vivid visual pictures isn't going to help, and it’s also going to hurt your spouse as your spouse tries to move forward.
What may help you, especially if the issue is that you’re haunted by what your spouse may have done before you were married with someone else (or after you were married through an affair), is to affirm this truth：
Making love is not a matter of understanding everything about sex; it’s understanding everything about each other. And its about how two people work together. What we have is unique and beautiful, and doesn't warrant being compared with anything else.
Even if your spouse was married previously, you need to remember that sexis not something that is interchangeable with any two people; what you have is unique because you both are unique. And that's a good thing! So don't focus on “did he enjoy it more before?” or “did she like it better with him?” Focus on, we are unique and beautiful together."
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