We generally form our attitudes about our body from the people and ideas around us rather than make a self-perception. Look at the following list. How have these influences affected the way you think and feel? Take particular parts of your body and sort through how each one has affected the way you perceive yourself. Think about your feet, your legs, your chest, your mouth, your hips, your thighs, your body shape, and your genitals.
•The media—television, movies, videos, songs, books, newspapers, arid magazines
•Parents and family—family values, comments, body shapes, interaction with opposite sex/interaction with same-sex siblings, parents, and grandparents
•Peers—friends, schoolmates, work associates, opposite- sex influence, and same-sex influence
•Church and religious beliefs—sermons, comments, type of dress and conduct, and biblical interpretations
•Significant adults一Scout leader or youth minister, teacher, neighbor, boss, and friend of family
• Dates or romantic intetests—group dating, individual dates, boyfriends/gir friends
Which of the above affected you the most in your attitudes about your body? Where do you think the people who have influenced you acquired their attitudes and values? I laughed with one of my clients, who had been at the pool with her kids all summer, as she shared one of her new insights. “I have come to realize that there are no perfect bodies," she said. And it’s true your body gives you and your mate pleasure regardless of whether it is “perfect”.
Why do you like the parts of your body that you have colored positively? How did you get the feedback that they were strong points? Who influenced you to dislike the parts of your body you see as imperfect or unacceptable? Observe the silhouette of the opposite sex. How did you come to find those characteristics appealing or sexy? Would it help you enjoy your mate more if you broadened your repertoire of arousing physical attributes? Think of one physical characteristic of your mate that could become very exciting if you chose to notice it more.
Talk over and process this exercise with your mate. Discuss the manner in which you have colored in your silhouettes. Start with yourself and explain what you like and dislike about your body image; then, tell your partner how you think these opinions evolved and how your mate can help you improve your positive body image. Discuss the opposite-sex silhouette and how men and women differ in their appreciation of physical characteristics. Remember that body image and acceptance/appreciation of yourself has a ripple effect. They can influence your posture, the way you walk and portray yourself, your smile, the way you laugh, voice tone, some favorite mannerism, and even how you utilize and enjoy some of the body parts. It is time for some healing and affirmation.
Pick three things about your mate that you sometimes notice and enjoy but seldom point out. Tell him or her about those three things. You might pick aspects of the opposite sex that usually go unnoticed—a body part such as hands or lower lip or calves or earlobes; possibly a chuckle, a wrinkle of the forehead, or a pose the other assumes that brings you real pleasure.
TIME OUT: Tell your mate three things you truly enjoy about his or her physical appearance and body image. Now brag on yourself. Yes, you must compliment yourself! Do not disagree with what your partner said. Accept the affirmation by adding to what was said about the three characteristics. You might further expound, “My smile is appealing; I like the way my eyes light up,” or “My pubic hair is sexy; I like thecurly thickness of it.” Real change occurs when you receive and enjoy affirmations.
A final exercise in exploring your self-perception and body image helps increase your self-acceptance. Psychological research shows that proximity and exposure create acceptance and attraction. Let me explain. If you ride on an elevator with a stranger every day for a week (being in the same proximity and being exposed to seeing him), you begin to accept and like him. We can apply this idea to eggplant, which is a vegetable I do not like. If I did want to like egg-plant, what would I do?
Proximity and exposure mean that I would need to buy several of them and leave them around my house so I would see them every day (exposure) and be close to them (proximity). It would be helpful if I picked them up and held them as I noticed their texture and beautiful color. I might cut one open and examine it further or cook it but not eat it. The more I was around eggplant, the more I would accept and even start liking them. Being familiar with something builds acceptance and attachments. That also happens with your body.
An excellent place to start this process with your body is in the tub or shower or in the bedroom when you are dressing. You usually are nude but probably unobservant. Start to notice your hands, stomach, thighs, feet, and other parts of your body. Do not make any judgments; simply observe the skin texture, hair, wrinkles, and proportions.
Now schedule in some time specifically for observing (exposure and proximity) your body. Stand in front of a full-length mirror and look at yourself. If it is too threatening at first, do the observing with a towel or clothes on, but it is important to progress to the nude. Start with the top of your head and slowly go down your body to your feet. Turn around and observe the backside, using a hand-held mirror if needed. Notice what you are seeing, but detach from your usual knee-jerk reactions to your body. Close your eyes for a minute and try to picture in your mind what you are seeing. Tune in to your feelings as you do this mirror exercise.
After your first mirror session, ask yourself questions to help you sort through your attitudes about your body. How do you emphasize or hide parts of your body? How does your body image affect your sexuality and lovemaking?
Continue with your observation and mirror sessions over the course of several months. You'll see how interesting and affirming it is to see your self-acceptance and personal appeal grow with exposure and proximity. But negative attitudes may also need disputing.
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