I love the analogy that marriage is like a submarine. If you keep the escape hatch open and try to submerge, you will surely sink. Great relationships and sex lives thrive on unconditionally being there for that other person. The prophet Jeremiah declares God's commitment so vividly: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them”(Jer. 31:3,32:40 kiv). Commitment is intrusive and makes life-changing demands, but without the total surrender of deep commitment there can be no true intimacy一especially sexual intimacy.
In order to open up to intimacy, one must feel safe. GOd is consistently trustworthy, and He gives His children the ability to practice this same steadfastness. Real love casts out fear. In great marriages, no one leaves or abandons the other, because mates are in a covenant relationship for a lifetime of lovemaking and supportive companionship. This trustworthiness provides a foundation for an ever-deepening vulnerability and the ability to be totally naked and unashamed.
How do we practice this discipline? (1) True lovers promise the long-term commitment necessary to learn skills of sexual intimacy. We will do whatever it takes, including counseling. (2) Committed lovers also demonstrate an acceptance that is unconditional. New sexual behaviors are easier to attempt if the partner does not fear being ridiculed or rejected. Many mates have shut down when stretching out of their comfort zones has brought laughter, criticism, or continued dissatisfaction. (3) Remember the line of the old song, “just call my name and I’ll be there”? Availability and a constant presence despite personal stressors anchor commitment. It doesn’t take rocket science to see how feeling safe and unconditionally supported encourages each of us to blossom into an erotic and intimate lover.
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