Is that all he ever thinks about? Will she just stop begging me?
Libido differences are the biggest source of conflict when it comes to sex. One spouse wants sex more than the other. Then one spouse starts to feel like they're begging, and the other spouse starts to feel like sex has become an obligation.
Usually if the woman who feels like sex is an obligation, and the man who feels like he's begging. But that's not always the case. In the surveys I did when I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I found that in about one quarter of all marriages the woman actually has the higher sexual drive. She's the one who's begging.
Today we're going to try to put ourselves in the shoes of the higher libido spouse, and understand why sex is so important to him or her. I’m going to speak in generalities here, as if it’s the husband who wants sex more. If it's actually reversed for you, then just switch around what we’ve written so it fits with your experience. I'm not trying to leave anyone out; it’s just that it’s easier to use "he” and "she" pronouns than to always say "him or her”.
So what happens when you're the lower libido spouse? Many women feel as if sex is an obligation. If only he didn't want it so much, all the problems would go away. But he's sex- obsessed, which makes me always feel guilty. And that’s why sex has become a problem.
Or if it’s him with the lower libido, he may think, “why is she always pressuring me? Does she think I'm not enough of a man for her? What is wrong with her, anyway?” We start defining the problem as my spouse wants it too much.
Let's try looking at it in a different way.
Here's how I often explain it: men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love. It seems like a recipe for disaster! But perhaps it makes sense. For us each to get our deepest need met, we have to reach out to the other. It's one of God's primary vehicles through which marriage brings holiness; it teaches us to think about the other.
I think women have a tendency to think that we are the superior sex, because we care about important things, like relationships, while men care about shallow things, like breasts. But let's not forget that this is the way that men were made, and it is for a purpose. Men like to feel as if they can chase a woman and win her. It's part of their identity. When we don't let him "win" us, then he starts to feel like there's something wrong with him.
So what do you do? Recognize that the circle works both ways. Yes, when we're tired, and we say no, he feels distant. That makes him avoid us, which makes us angry and guilty, which drives a wedge. But when you're tired, and you say yes, he feels close to us. That makes him release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which makes him feel lovey-dovey towards us. That helps us sleep well, and then the next day he’s often much more affectionate.
If you long to feel close to your spouse, then, the power is in your hands. I think what many of us women want is for our husbands to love us and act all affectionate EVEN IF we don’t make love, and in an ideal world, perhaps they would be able to. But that's asking an awful lot of a guy. Sex is so tied up in his ability to feel loved, that you’e basically saying to him: I want you to shower me with affection and love me completely even if I don't show you any love at all." That's rough.
So today's challenge is to change the way we look at sex. Let’s stop:
•Thinking that our husbands (or our wives, if they have the higher libido) are pathetic for wanting sex so much, because they were made that way.
•Thinking that life would be better if sex didn't interfere, because sex bonds us together (there are even hormones for that!)
•Thinking that we are morally superior for liking to cuddle, because we need to recognize that we were simply made with different priorities.
•Thinking that he should make the first move and show us affection regardless of whether or not we have sex (because then we're setting up an unfair double standard).
Here’s how we’re going to do that: we’re going to reverse the exercise from Day 5. I asked the husband to touch his wife to show her that she could feel pleasure. Today I challenge the wife to make him lie still while she spends at least 15 minutes feeling him and touching him, any way she wants to. Shower him with some sexual attention! He’ll feel really loved!
But here’s something else: she’ll feel really powerful. Sometimes we women become passive in bed, letting him make most of the moves. Then we miss out and don’t see what effect we can actually have on our guys! Take that 15 minutes and look at how you can reduce him to a whimpering mess as he begs you for sortie release. That’s power, girls. And that's how much he wants you.
At the end of those 15 minutes, you can do whatever you like (or he may have some very definite ideas of something he like to do). But take the full time to just touch him, because men are often so worried about whether or not their wives feel pleasure, that to have a sexual interlude dedicated simply to making them feel good takes the pressure off and puts them on Cloud Nine.
And if it's the husband in the relationship that has the lower libido, this can also be an important challenge, because it can help build your intimacy and help ignite his sex drive. For both of us, libido is largely a "use it or lose it" phenomenon. The longer you go without sex, the harder it is to feel aroused. But the more we make love, the easier arousal becomes. Our bodies become accustomed to it. If the husband, then, rarely wants sex, then spending some time reawakening his body can start to rev those engines.
To sum up, here's your challenge
Great Sex Challenge：
Ladies, explore your husband’s for fifteen minutes straight, without letting him move! Concentrate on how his body responds, on what he likes, and on the effect you have on him. Watch how he feels really loved during this-and try to start seeing that desire he has for you as a very positive thing.
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