One of the serious difficulties in treating desire disorders is that there are no agreed-upon definitions of sexual desire in Women or in men. If we can't define desire, then how can we understand when there is a deficit that needs treatment? Frequently, responses used to measure desire are more characteristic of male sexual desire, such as the presence of sexual fantasies, genital responses (such as erections, clitoral swelling), or more aggressive initiating. Recently, changes have occurred in the definition of sexual desire disorders as we move away from traditionally male definitions. Especially for women, desire can often manifest itself as a willingness to be sexually engaged rather than by active sexual initiation.
Normal Sexual Desire
Couples struggling with desire issues often have unrealistic expectations of what “normar” sexual desire and frequency should be. Many men use their own sexual desire as the standards their wives must meet. Others pull from the standards of friends, media, or culture. Historically, the church has added another standard, teaching that women (and often men) should not have sexual desire. Now our society says that husbands and wives should expect consistent sexual desire and demand sex with great frequency. When couples fail to meet the standard they have adopted, they often feel inadequate or negatively judge their mates. Yet, none of these standards are accurate.
The way the media have depicted sex has added a great deal of pressure to many spouse's lives, and false expectations to men's and womens minds. In media sex, bodies are perfect and no one is ever too stressed, too tired, or too ill to engage in it. Partners are always eager, no discussion is needed, no one struggles to become aroused, no one objects to the mess, no one has to find a baby-sitter, no one has to set the mood, no one is affected by her menstrual cycle, and everyone has fantastic orgasms. With these expectations ingrained in each of us, a real sexual relationship in the real world will most likely produce feelings of inferiority and dissatisfaction. One or both partners begin to wonder, “What is wrong with us?” when in fact their sex life may be quite normal.
Gender Differences
A helpful first step for couples who are struggling with sexual desire or frequency problems is to educate themselves about the differences between male sexuality and female sexuality. Husbands and wives will rarely (if ever) have the same level of sexual desire, or express it in the same way. Most experts and studies conclude that men seek out sex more frequently and think about sex more often. However, men have sexual desire problems also. Although men generally have a more apparent and assertive desire, it is a myth that men are always testosterone driven or that they can instantly get erections. Men too get their feelings hurt, are turned off by angry or controlling wives, feel incompetent, fear intimacy, focus their energy into their work, struggle with letting moms be lovers, and have sexual wounds. They also are more likely to be involved in pornography and masturbation, which siphons off sexual energy.
The complexity of sexual desire in women cannot be underestimated. Many elements can sabotage a woman's sexual desire: her physical health, energy level, whether or not she is depressed, the ages of her children, hormones, breast-feeding, how she feels about her appearance, how she perceives her marriage partner, how she feels in her other relationships (friends or extended family), how distracted she is by other concerns, whether or not she has been sexually abused, how her family of origin viewed sexuality, any medications she is taking, whether or not sex has been or has become painful—physically or emotionally. All of these factors and their interactions combine to create, enhance, or diminish a woman’s sexual desire.
Sexual desire can be thought of as having several different types: assertive, receptive, and blocked desire. Sometimes the problem in not inhibited or blocked desire, but actually understanding various types of desire with their gender differences. Assertive desire is more typical of male desire, while receptive desire is more typical of female desire. Often couples believe both partners should crave and seek out sex with their partner (assertive desire). An interesting observation on assertive desire is that the partner may have already been thinking about sex and often comes to the lovemaking ready to go. This type of desire initiates and seeks out sexual adventure and connection with more of a physical drive.
Many wives are relieved to find out that being open to sex, enjoying the closeness it can bring, and getting involved after initiation (receptive desire) is more typical of women. Sexual thoughts and arousal may come to the wife after engaging in lovemaking, with an internal response of “I wasn't thinking of sex tonight but, wow, this was a good idea.” With greater understanding and wisdom, we can get beyond false expectations and relax with our own unique type of desire.
Assertive and receptive sexual desires often come in different flavors. A more feminine variety of assertive desire occurs with alluring desire. This is typical of the wife who enjoys the feminine power of her body in enticing and turning her husband on sexually. Alluring desire is enhanced as mates accept their God-given sexiness in being created uniquely male and female. A flavor of receptive desire emerges as nuturing desire. This again may be more characteristic of females and comes to the forefront when a mate may not want lovemaking for him or herself, but wants to give fulfillment as a gift to the partner. This differs from "duty" sex that is more a chore than a “nurturing desire” with mutual participation with different levels of sexual involvement (see Chapter 14 for further development of these two concepts).
It is also important to realize that “low” sexual desire can be a relative and arbitrary term. Often couples come to therapy (or remain in. an unproductive, ongoing argument without coming to therapy) for a “low desire” problem, when in fact the “low desire spouse" has normal sexual desire. Most couples experience desire discrepancy—one of the partners has high normal desire and the other has low normal desire. Because our culture continues to push the idea that everybody should want sex and want it “a lot” and because early in a relationship there is usually strong physical attraction and higher sexual drive, many couples begin marriage with ignorant and unrealistic expectations of what their sex lives “should” be like in a normal marriage.
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