Difference between Male Sexuality and Female Sexuality Is Related to Sexual Desire Problems

Author Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau From A Celebration of Sex 6 years ago 10489

A helpful first step for couples who are struggling with sexual desire problems is to educate themselves about the differences between male sexuality and female sexuality. Husbands and wives will rarely (if ever) have the same level of sexual desire, or express it in the same way. Most experts and studies conclude that men seek out sex more frequently and think about sex more often. However, men have sexual desire problems also. Although men generally have a more apparent and assertive desire, it is a myth that men are always testosterone driven or that they can instantly get erections. Men too get their feelings hurt, are turned off by angry or controlling wives, feel incompetent, fear intimacy, focus their energy into their work, struggle with letting moms be lovers, and have sexual wounds. They also are more likely to be involved in pornography and masturbation, which siphons off sexual energy.


The factors of sexual desire in women cannot be underestimated. Many elements can sabotage a woman's sexual desire: her physical health, energy level, whether or not she is depressed, the ages of her children, hormones, breast-feeding, how she feels about her appearance, how she perceives her marriage partner, how she feels in her other relationships (friends or extended family), how distracted she is by other concerns, whether or not she has been sexually abused, how her family of origin viewed sexuality, any medications she is taking, whether or not sex has been or has become painful—physically or emotionally. All of these factors and their interactions combine to create, enhance, or diminish a woman’s sexual desire.


Sexual desire can be thought of as having several different types: assertive, receptive, and blocked desire. Sometimes the problem is not inhibited or blocked desire, but actually understanding various types of desire with their gender differences. Assertive desire is more typical of male desire, while receptive desire is more typical of female desire. Often couples believe both partners should crave and seek out sex with their partner (assertive desire). An interesting observation on assertive desire is that the partner may have already been thinking about sex and often comes to the lovemaking ready to go. This type of desire initiates and seeks out sexual adventure and connection with more of a physical drive.

Many wives are relieved to find out that being open to sex, enjoying the closeness it can bring, and getting involved after initiation (receptive desire) is more typical of women. Sexual thoughts and arousal may come to the wife after engaging in lovemaking, with an internal response of “I wasn't thinking of sex tonight but, wow, this was a good idea.” With greater understanding and wisdom, we can get beyond false expectations and relax with our own unique type of desire.


Assertive and receptive sexual desires often come in different flavors. A more feminine variety of assertive desire occurs with alluring desire. This is typical of the wife who enjoys the feminine power of her body in enticing and turning her husband on sexually. Alluring desire is enhanced as mates accept their God-given sexiness in being created uniquely male and female. A flavor of receptive desire emerges as nuturing desire. This again may be more characteristic of females and comes to the forefront when a mate may not want lovemaking for him or herself, but wants to give fulfillment as a gift to the partner. This differs from "duty" sex that is more a chore than a “nurturing desire” with mutual participation with different levels of sexual involvement.


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