Positive emotions are so vital to exciting, passionate sexual arousal. Other feelings can be quite toxic to sexual desire, as they have serious negative impact on our personal and relational well-being. Those negative impacts include feelings such as depression, fear, anger, resentment, etc.
Depression. Depression is a powerful emotional toxin. Research consistently shows a strong connection between depression and low sexual desire. Some of blocked desire is physical, due to changes in neurotransmitters when we're depressed. Some of it is also the effects of depression— loss of energy, mood changes, loss of interest in enjoyable activities, and irritability are all symptoms of depression and affect sexual desire and frequency. As negative as the depression itself is, we have already discussed how antide-pressants often have an inhibitory impact not only on sexual desire but on sexual arousal or orgasm as well, further complicating desire. Loss and grief. Grief has a tremendous impact on intimacy in general and lovemaking in particular. One husband in counseling wondered what had happened to his sex drive. In exploring recent losses, he had lost his dad to cancer and a friend to a car accident in the past year. Any serious loss can cause a Person and couple to feel numb, angry, isolated, and sad. Tlais can certainly contribute to depression and loss of energy and libido.
Fear. In a culture that adores the successful and ignores those who struggle, fear can be a very restricting brake on sexual desire. Feeling fearful can be difficult to accept, requires courage to explore, and effort to change. Fear evidences itself in varying toxic ways, but three common categories include：
1. Debilitating fears: The fear of pregnancy or the agony of infertility can undermine sexual relationships; the fear of appearing inadequate or incompetent can quickly dampen sexual initiative; the fear of aging and its effects on the body can cause one person to try to be a sexual athlete and another to give up. Fear puts unrealistic expectations and debilitating anxiety on mates, sabotaging lovemaking.
2. Performance anxiety: Men can be particularly sensitive to sexual pressure. If a man has an episode of erectile difficulty-due to exhaustion, stress, alcohol, or medication—he may become overly concerned regarding future erections. Sometimes this causes a decrease in desire, in anticipation of being unable to maintain an erection. If a man has difficulty with rapid ejaculation and his partner becomes frustrated or angry, this can cause him to pull back from sexual interaction to avoid her reaction. The fear of failure in his own eyes, or his wife’s eyes, is enough of a deterrent to cause a loss of desire to even try.
This general condition of being apprehensive and uneasy produces sexual performance anxiety, which creates the phenomenon of spectating. This means mentally being “up on the bedpost” watching what is going on rather than enjoying the process. If you are anxious about having a climax or getting an erection, anxiety usually ensures that you won't. Being relaxed, playful, and focused in the present are important in combating performance anxiety.
3.Fear of intimacy: Negotiating the physical aspects of sex is one thing; negotiating the emotional impact of sex with another can be far more intimidating. As a relationship moves past the excitement of a new partner, individuals who are afraid of intimacy or who have never learned to negotiate deeper intimacy in themselves or their relationships may lose a desire to engage sexually when deep emotion is needed to intensify the sexual experience. We have found this especially true of some men who cannot move beyond the thrill of the chase to build intimate trust and vulnerability in ongoing marital relationships with a mate who knows them at their best and worst.
4.Anger and resentment and hurt. It is not much fun trying to make love to someone you dislike and resent—sleeping with the enemy. You have to resolve the anger before you can draw closer to your mate. There is a saying in marriage therapy that “sex is the first thing to go and the last to come back" in an angry, conflict-ridden relationship. This may not be true for every couple, but overall it fits. Anger and resentment distance lovers and disrupt companionship. God designed making love to involve the total person—body, mind, and emotions.
Below anger and resentment, deeper feelings often exist, creating the anger. Try to understand anger by hyphenating it. Is it angry-hurt or angry-disappointed or angry- afraid? Hurt and other negative feelings are land mines that explode into anger unexpectedly. Disappointment and hurt come when expectations and needs are not met satisfactorily— when you feel neglected or taken advantage of. They can crop up when you believe your sexual initiative is snubbed or not valued, or your mate seldom initiates and you feel unattractive. When you are disappointed and hurt, you feel you are constantly walking on eggshells and don't know what to expect. All sense of a nurturing partnership is gone, and sex becomes unappealing or not worth the risk.
5.Guilt and shame. Guilt often results from a violation of personal sexual guidelines and values. Shame is feeling defective or inadequate about your deeper self in some way. Guilt and shame can be legitimate in helping couples to stay within God-designed sexual boundaries. It can also be false and destructive, impairing a healthy sex life. Unfortunately common among Christians, falsely shameful and guilt-rid-den beliefs about the meaning and purpose of sex can increase or decrease sexual desire in an individual or his or her spouse. Distorted beliefs like “sex is dirty” or “unholy” or that sex is a way of using or being used will understandably decrease desire.
The antidote of a healing-emotional connection. The most enjoyable part of sex to 90 percent of the married women in the NSSCW was closeness： physical closeness, emotional closeness, or both. Cuddling, caressing (see Chapter 9 on massage), and expressing loving feelings for each other does wonders for overcoming the negative feelings mentioned previously. Even guilt and shame can disappear with an accepting hug and “I love you.”
LAUGH! Not only do couples who struggle with sexual desire discrepancy frequently stop initiating physical affection and emotional closeness, they also tend to become so discouraged or angry that they begin to focus on the negatives in the relationship. This surfaces all kinds of negative feelings. Couples should focus on the positives in their relationship, as well as finding other ways to bond and enjoy each other while working through their desire problems. As Scripture says. "A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Prov.17.22 NIV).
Laughter affects brain chemicals positively, gives perspetive, and helps create connection between partners. It's a great antidote to many of our discouraging emotions. When down, hurt, anxious, or angry, couples need to find ways to share nonsarcastic, nonderisive laughter, explore fun activities, and intentionally create humorous experiences with each other. This will dramatically change your outlook and feelings.
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