The interpersonal dynamics within your marriage relationship are often the most important factor in dealing with loss of desire and lack of frequency. A coupled companionship can be a microcosm of what happens in their sex life, and vice versa. Even if the relationship isn't the direct cause of low sexual desire, the resulting marital conflict often intensifies the lack of desire. Those relationship bombs inculde conflict and control, extramarital affairs and other distractions and other issues will negatively affect intimacy and sexual desire.Here are some common relationship issues that can get in the way of having the needed desire for a great sex life.
Conflict and control. It is not true that men are unaffected sexually by hurt feelings, anger, and conflict. It may be true that they compartmentalize their angry or hurt feelings I more easily and allow their sexual desires to overcome the effects of a fight more quickly. But men dealing with desire issues often state their inability to be turned on when their wives are frequently frustrated and screaming. If they feel one down, incompetent, or controlled, these continued power struggles and unresolved fights have a negative impact on their libidos. Wives are no different with their desire being negatively affected by husbands who are self-centered and angrily dominating.
Extramarital affairs and other distractions. Affairs are prevalent and have destructive impact even in Christian marriages. Infidelity destroys trust, honesty, and committed playfulness, which are vital to inspired lovemaking. Other distractions can adulterate or contaminate intimacy, including children, addictive hobbies (such as exercise or renovating your house), and aging parents. Managing yourself and your environment are powerful aphrodisiacs.
Inertia. An object at rest tends to stay at rest and dig a deeper rut, while one in motion will stay in motion. This law certainly applies to a sex life too. If a couple makes love once a month, it is easy to slip into once every three months. A slowing sex life settles into more sluggishness and embarrassing awkwardness. Initiating becomes difficult and lovemaking ceases to be convenient. Earlier chapters offer some solutions to this problem. Sometimes the solution is like entering into a cold lake on a hot summer day—you simply have to grab your nose and jump. Sometimes the issue is more involved and will need some of the other interventions mentioned in this chapter.
Polarization. As a couple wrestles with adjusting to differing levels of sexual desire, often each person begins to polarize one partner feels they have sex “hardly ever” and the other believes they have sex "all the time” One mate will feel emotionally neglected and the other will feel sexually deprived. This conflict and exaggeration in perception leads to further conflict, feelings of rejection, and fear (that the spouse is unfaithful, that the other is no longer attractive). This can prompt destructive arguing, accusations, and further hurt or hostility. It is interesting that when polarization occurs, mates live in each other's debit column and focus on shortcomings. A negative pattern develops, which further inhibits sexual desire.
High desire versus low desire and control. In addressing problems of sexual desire, the spouse with the least desire will be in control of the sexual relationship and often the partner’s mood. A spouse who is withholding sex or using a lack of desire to punish the spouse can be especially damaging. Of course, the one with higher desire can react like a person in the desert without water and become obsessive and controlling in his or her own way.
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