As a married couple becomes parents, their sex life shall be much more complex due to the coming and growing up of children. Gender differences are much more obvious in serveral aspects in marriage life with children and other stuff involved in. Hereby, this passage introduces gender difference in Dad and Mom in lovemaking.
Mom is distracted and Dad is focused. Research is showing that women can multitask more easily than men, while men focus on the job at hand. The downside of Mom’s attending to many details manifests itself in a difficulty to leave the concerns outside the bedroom and tune in to lovemaking. Wives will be more easily distracted by children and not excited about making love if a little one is about to burst through the door. Husbands can have more of that task focus and be read/ to finish making love while the baby cries.
Mom wants to be emotionally connected and Dad wants physical interaction. Moms get more physical touch with constant childcare than dads do. Fellow sex-therapist friend Michael Sytsma tells of the female client who strongly stated, “My body gets sucked on, climbed over, pawed at, slobbered on, and hugged to death. The last thing I need is my husband to start doing the same when he climbs into bed at night.” The husband has to be sensitive to this as he reminds himself that this stage of marriage takes mature delayed gratification and selfcontrol. The wife can also keep in mind that her partner may feel more love and deep connection through sex than through any other avenue.
A friend told me of the time she was pregnant and really wishing the loose step on their front porch was fixed so she wouldn't lose her balance. She came home one afternoon with groceries and realized that her husband had fixed the step. She felt very much in love and sexually interested in him at that moment because of his act of thoughtfulness. I was laughing at a friend who me his wife was feeling very attracted to him as he paid attention to their daughter. He told me, 'If this is what makes my wife frisky, you can imagine how much I have been playing with my child recently."
Assertive versus receptive sexual desire. In Chapter 18 on desire, the idea of different kinds of desire was developed. Women often have what we call “receptive” or “responsive” desire, which isn’t as hormonally driven or apparent. On a busy day taking care of children, they may never think of sex. But that evening, if approached early enough, the wife might think, Hmm, I can get into this tonight. What a pleasant ending to the day.
The partner with the more apparent, initiating desire will think of sex more often and desire greater frequency. This is often the husband, who has been contemplating sexual activity all day and is ready to jump his tired, distracted wife when he bursts through the door. This will definitely take some negotiating and self-discipline on both partners' parts to postpone and compromise and engage.
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