The way we respond fo each other while in a relationship will either cause severe consequences or lead the relationship into a stronger realm. How we respond when under pressure will determine who we are and how strong we are in handling and persevering against the odds.
In an early Saturday morning, Sally had woken up and prepared some fine breakfast for Garry. She bad made some pancakes that turned out undercooked and sloppy without notice as she was busy multitasking between vacuuming the carpet, collecting clothes from the floor and cooking. Eager to get a pat on the back by Garry, she watched him walk to the kitchen and sit on their small coffee table where she then presented her meal. Garry threw a fake smile as he knew her cooking was never that good. He took a bite of the pancake and stopped for a second. As much as he tried to hide his disgusted frown, Sally could read that he was making a fake smile. She felt hurt and unappreciated, she couldn't hold back her emotions and burst out in rage, “you never like or appreciate anything I do, I woke up at 5 in the morning to make this for you and this is the best I get? I really thought you could do better.” she said. In the heat of confusion, Garry dropped the pancake back to the plate, feeling bitter and fed up, “this isn’t your thing sally, you aren't a cook and you know it!” he replied hysterically. After that they started off their daily heated arguments in the morning, lasting for the usual one hour.
From the context, we get to see that Sally’s impatience and anger was triggered by watching her husband reluctantly bite on her pancake. We also get to see that Garry's response was unprecedented. He had enough room to walk away but didn't. He had the opportunity to act right but didn't, the turn-around event in this scenario introduces what modern couples go through in their relationships. Response is as critical as trust is in a relationship. In my studies as a relationship councillor, I have come to learn that response can be as deadly as adding gasoline to a fire or calming as a good song to the ears. How you respond to your spouse in a relationship therefore matters.
There is a strong urgency to learn how to act in a positive calming manner towards our spouses and this can be achieved by being emotionally aware of the other spouse and self, being able to manage and relieve stress, keeping an eye out for nonverbal communications, being communicative, focusing on present etc.
1. Being emotionally aware of the other spouse and self
If we are aware of our emotions as discussed in the first chapter, we are then able to control our actions. We will then have the capability and ability to react and respond appropriately. Despite that, we can also tolerate our spouses as we have learnt that uncontrolled emotions can sometimes lead to huge arguments, exchange of demoralizing words and perverse situations that might jeopardise the relationship. From the example above, we leam that Garry tried to be emotionally aware but couldn't. Instead, he lost his focus and like grass in a forest, heated up his relationship with Sally.
2. Being able to manage and relieve stress
Stress contributes ninety percent of how we respond or react in a given situation. If we are able to control stress, we can have positive responses in the heat of the moment. We can also avoid placing our relationships under jeopardy by understanding that when our spouses are stressed, they can react repulsively.
3. Keeping an eye out for nonverbal communications
Nonverbal communication is the form of information exchange where words are not used. For example, facial expressions, body gestures and posture. When Gany awaits his breakfast, he already emits gestures of what he expects. He tries hard to hide his irrational gestures but eventually Sally can read from his face. This then leads to an argument that further loosens up the ties that they had in their relationship. It is important to pay close attention to the gestures that our spouses show as they will help us translate their emotions hence find a suitable way to approach and act right.
4. Being communicative
Communication is the backbone of all relationships. We therefore have to act right and listen to each other's needs and emotions by listening more, we become reliable in the relationship and are able to understand how our spouses tick. For example, if Garry just pointed out that Sally's pancakes required a bit more frying, he would have saved the efforts used by both of them in arguing.
5. Focusing on the present
If we focus on past misunderstandings or grudges, then we are blinded and cannot see the future, hence we become focused on leading a bitter relationship rather than looking and bringing up past mistakes in an argument, we should try and be problem solvers by forgetting the past and directing our relationships to the future.
6. Agree to disagree, when it gets out of handy
If an argument is heading nowhere, it is better to act right and just forgret it. An argument is led by two or more people. Therefore, we should know when to let it go and move on.
By following the four descriptions narrated above. It will be possible to react in a more pleasant and conservative way. It will be the right way in securing our role as the right ones in the relationship.
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