You Do What You Value

Author Beth Banning and Neill Gibson From How to Rekindle an Unhappy Marriage - overcome resentment and regain the trust you need 7 years ago 11697

Everything we do is in support of something we value. Relationships are established on exchanges of feelings, communications and acts. Some people value honesty and loyalty most while some value mutual respect most. Keep the idea the "you do what you value" in mind is of great beneficial for you to solve any matters concerning trust or respect.

Think about it. You can only understand what your partner really value after you've come to realize any partner's lying in service of something he values or as a way to meet some needs. Under such situation, you may still be not clear about what that might be and you're upset about the lying because you value a quality of understanding and respect. You even fear losing this quality of understanding in the relationship.

In any situation similar to the one as above, truth of the matter is that telling the truth is at the heart of one of your core values: honesty. This is exactly what you should focus on establishing in your communication with your husband.

The more you're acting out of a desire to create understanding and respect, the more likely you'll accomplish this when you become curious about why he lied in the first place. The more you know about the reason why he lied with understanding and respect, the more likely you'll be able to see that his lying was not intended as a personal affront to you. When you understand what he values, you can focus on improving your relationship and your ability to support him in meeting his needs in ways that work better for both of you.

You can put yourself on his shoes and try to guess what he values that prevented him from telling you the truth.

It's most likely that freedom of choice or autonomy is of great importance to him - he wants to be in charge of his life and decide where he goes. You can also guess he was lying to preserve his peace or tranquility as he wants to protect himself from his upset that telling the truth might create misunderstanding or knowing that you don't like him doing anything as often as he does.

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